The institutional mouthpiece of Kjel.org

I hung the flag up at the HQ today. Not sure what else to do. I’ve said in this space before all I feel like saying about September 11. I’ve more or less squeezed that rage into a bitter little ball, and there is really no appropriate time to release it. It would be much better for my own mental health if I could just let it go but for various reasons (One of the reasons is two years old, another is four. One is thirty-six) I have a hard time doing that. Damnit I hate 9/11, and I hate that I hate 9/11. Fucking terrorists.

Oh, and I changed my mind: I will be recounting Summer 2009 in reverse chronological order, starting with last weekend, and ending with a description of my brief encounter with CrazyTown (aka Yakima). Stay tuned as it will be here soon — just not in the mood to write about it right now.

Ladies and Gentlemen,

It is my great pleasure to announce a promotion in the Kjel.org organization. The Chief Bride had a good run, but the wife of the Chief Educator shall no longer be known by that title. Henceforth she will have multiple titles that all can and will be used interchangeably. Some you should expect to see in the near future:

Chief Mommy-To-Be
Director of BeingKnockedUp
Concierge at the Fetus Hotel
Product Manager, Bun In Oven Division
Senior Director of Gestation

I’m sure there will be others as they occur to me.

Big Kjel.org congratulations to the happy parents-to-be. I talked to the Educator earlier today and I’m not sure if it all has fully sunk in for him yet. I recognized the feeling; it didn’t really feel real for me until the little tyke was actually born. Then it is real. All too real at certain times.

Holy crap this is going to be fun. 2009 just got one hell of a lot better than it was shaping up to be. El Jefe de Bebé, you lay off the heroin and the paint thinner huffing now you hear? The CFO had a real tough time with that during her pregnancies. And Chief Educator, what doing Saturday night? The end of your ‘I go out regularly’ lifestyle is approaching with a speed you might not realize, and we got ourselves a designated driver after all . . .

I foresee a Kjel.org baby naming contest in the not too distant future. Start thinking people.

Good Lord this is going to be awesome in all respects. I am going to really enjoy watching the changes occur at the Edumacator’s pad. Frankly I am having a hard time imagining them. For some reason I am reminded of this older Kjel.org post. This kid might be very, very tough.

8 trillion kinds of awesomeness here. Seriously.

I am convinced that nothing, absolutely nothing, quite says Happy Easter! like seeing your kidnappers get shot by US Navy SEALS while you are not scratched.

MOMBASA, Kenya (AP) - An American ship captain was freed unharmed Sunday and three of the pirates who held him for days in a lifeboat off the Somali coast were killed in a operation by U.S. Navy Seals that was approved by President Barack Obama, officials said.
Capt. Richard Phillips’ crew, who said they had escaped after he offered himself as a hostage, erupted in cheers aboard their ship docked in Mombasa, Kenya. Some waved an American flag and fired a flare in celebration. The U.S. Navy’s 5th Fleet said Phillips was resting comfortably on a U.S. warship after receiving a medical exam.

I have no idea what Capt. Phillips is currently paid, but I can still say with authority that that man deserves a raise.

Also, the U.S. Navy was orginally formed to fight pirates back in the day. It’s good to see they still can perform that mission. So far it is Navy: 4, pirates:0. Now lets just hope that the other pirates are paying attention re who wins when we decide to play, and maybe make a decision not to play.

Man, it sucks to be an adult. I really should have rioted the other night. Nobody would have expected that. Oh well — maybe next time.

Even if you voted against him, you gotta admit that the old man gave a pretty classy concession speech. And, damn it, I have to accept that his sentiments are correct:

A century ago, President Theodore Roosevelt’s invitation of Booker T. Washington to visit — to dine at the White House was taken as an outrage in many quarters. America today is a world away from the cruel and prideful bigotry of that time. There is no better evidence of this than the election of an African American to the presidency of the United States. Let there be no reason now — (cheers, applause) — let there be no reason now for any American to fail to cherish their citizenship in this, the greatest nation on Earth. (Cheers, applause.)

Senator Obama has achieved a great thing for himself and for his country. I applaud him for it, and offer him my sincere sympathy that his beloved grandmother did not live to see this day, though our faith assures us she is at rest in the presence of her creator and so very proud of the good man she helped raise.

Senator Obama and I have had and argued our differences, and he has prevailed. No doubt many of those differences remain. These are difficult times for our country, and I pledge to him tonight to do all in my power to help him lead us through the many challenges we face.

I urge all Americans — (applause) — I urge all Americans who supported me to join me in not just congratulating him, but offering our next president our good will and earnest effort to find ways to come together, to find the necessary compromises, to bridge our differences, and help restore our prosperity, defend our security in a dangerous world, and leave our children and grandchildren a stronger, better country than we inherited.

- John McCain’s concession speech

I hold no ill will toward the President-elect himself, and I get the whole hey-look-not-that-long-ago-black-people-in-some-places-were-prevented-from-voting-now-one-is-president-isn’t-that-marvelous? thing, but that doesn’t make me less nervous about his policies. I read stuff like this and am reminded that winning and being right are two wholly seperate things:

U.S. Rep. Marcy Kaptur (D. Toledo) whipped the crowd up before Mr. Obama took the stage yesterday telling them that America needed a Second Bill of Rights guaranteeing all Americans a job, health care, homes, an education, and a fair playing field for business and farmers.

So long as Mr. President keeps the nutjobs like Marcy Kaptur away from any real decision-making, I am willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. Also, I’d like it if he made my lunch everyday, gave me a new pony, and built me a shiny new mansion on Gumdrop Lane. I am afraid that there are roughly even odds of all of those things occuring.

I’d like to remind everyone that dissent is still the highest form of patriotism. Question Authority!

Personally, I’d be delighted to live in a country where happily married gay couples had closets full of assault weapons.
- Glenn Reynolds

Of course I voted this year, and not just for the West Multnomah Soil and Water Conservation District Director either. I often have a tough time voting; very rarely are my personal views adequately represented anywhere. Mr. Reynolds’ quote above is pretty much a high-proof distillation of my political thinking, as if it matters or anyone cares.

Unfortunately I am afraid that we are instead about to see Mr. Churchill’s quote in action today:

Democracy is the worst form of government, except for all those others that have been tried.
- Winston Churchill

I hung up the flag at the HQ this morning before I left, this being Election Day, the epitome of America and all. And to remind myself that whatever happens today the Republic will endure and the sun will still rise tomorrow. Even so I’m nervous. I’ve got a bad feeling the country is about to make a huge mistake. I hope I’m wrong on that, whoever wins, but like I said, I’m worried I’m not.

It is easy for a certain type of person to say I’m moving to [blank] if my guy doesn’t win in the run up to an election. I can’t say that. The USA is it for me; there is no where else on the planet for a person like me to go. Until I have enough money to buy an island, anyway, or successfully mount a coup somewhere.

Ladies and Gentlemen,

It will come as no great surprise to you to hear that the CEO loves capitalism and democracy, and believes that we are all currently living in the greatest country in the history of the world. A huge part of that greatness is We, The People. Every four years the citizens of this great nation come together to select a leader, to select representatives and leaders of our state(s), and to hold referendums on new laws that should perhaps be enacted, certain laws of which in Oregon anyway are batshit crazy and would cost the taxpayers (a class of citizen to which I reluctantly belong) an assload of money. Sorry, I got off track there. Anyhoo, where was I going with this? Oh yeah.

In the spirit of celebrating democracy, I would like to offer my endorsement of a certain candidate and encourage all Kjel.org readers to vote for him, whether legal or not to do so in your jurisdiction. Friends, Oregonians, Countrymen, I give you our next Director at Large, 1, for the West Multnomah Soil and Water Conservation District.

80 hours a week and no pay. Chief, you can thank me later.

The CEO is no economist, and I have no idea whether or not a taxpayer bailout of some sort is the correct course of action. The more I read about the proposed bailout though, the more I am reminded as to why good old Ron Reagan was the best president this country has had in a long time. First, Forbes on the current bailout plan:

The committee’s top Republican, Alabama Sen. Richard Shelby, says he’s concerned about its cost and whether it will even work. In fact, some of the most basic details, including the $700 billion figure Treasury would use to buy up bad debt, are fuzzy. “It’s not based on any particular data point,” a Treasury spokeswoman told Forbes.com Tuesday. “We just wanted to choose a really large number.”

And now from Ronnie:

The ten most dangerous words in the English language are “Hi, I’m from the government, and I’m here to help.”

The CEO generally hates politics and politicians, and you can be certain I didn’t watch much of either party’s convention. From the tiny bits I did see though one thing really popped out at me: when the folks in Denver would get worked up they would chant Obama! Obama! When the folks in Minneapolis did the same they would chant USA! USA!

Infer from that difference what you will.

I am convinced that were the ladies and gentlemen below to replace the current Portland City Council our local government would improve considerably.

Back from City Hall already. There were 400 people in line in front of me to also bitch at the city council, so my debut as a crank that attends council meetings and spouts off will have to be delayed. There were enough pissed off people there already — I’ll link to a news story about it tonight when the meeting is finally over. My early feeling though? No name change for SW 4th: the folks wanting Interstate to change have too much invested in it to accept anything else.

Guess who’s boss just asked him to walk a few blocks down to City Hall at 3:00 today and bitch about the proposed name change of a certain downtown street?

They couldn’t get me at home with their bogus street ‘improvements’, so now the city is targeting me where I work. Bastards.

New Portland street now in the running to honor Cesar Chavez
It now looks as if the Portland City Council won’t rename North Interstate Avenue for Cesar Chavez on Thursday after all. Instead, there appears to be four votes to rename Southwest Fourth Avenue — where City Hall sits — for the farm worker labor leader, tossing new fuel into a debate that has enflamed community passions in recent weeks. City Commissioner Dan Saltzman told Mayor Tom Potter late today that he has the votes for the Fourth Avenue name change, according to John Doussard, the mayor’s spokesman.

Do the raging assclowns at City Hall not know that there happen to be other businesses and organizations on SW 4th, or do they just not give a shit about all the hassle this would cause? For all the same reasons this was a stupid idea for Interstate it is a stupid idea for SW 4th. And I’m not even going to attempt a discussion as to whether this street or any street in town should be renamed after Mr. Chavez. To even obliquely attempt to raise that topic in the People’s Soviet of Portland will get you branded as a member of the KKK, and I got enough problems in this town as it is. Anyway, if this thing goes through I predict that this city is going to see some ugliness. Me, I’m going to confine myself to launching a campaign to change the name of whatever cross street City Hall happens to sit on. Rumsfeld Avenue has a nice ring to it I think, but then again so does Karl Rove Blvd. Or maybe just W street. Hell, I’d be happy with Ichiro Lane. Anyone else got anything better?

1. I’ve been having a real hard time limiting the language that the Jr. VP is exposed to and subsequently repeats. Loudly. And repeatedly. Just when I think I’ve got my defenses firmly established something new comes in under my radar. I know “Rocking Ring of Fire” well enough to quickly mute it during certain parts of the song (and really who doesn’t want their two year old yelling “let it burn, motherfucker!“) but sometimes I forget about problems in other songs. The beginning of a particular Sublime song is the case in point. The song is entitled “Smoke Two Joints” so I really can’t say that the possibility of a problem just came at me out of the blue. Anyway, spoken at the beginning of the song, a snippet from some old-timey film about bad teens I’m guessing:

“She was living in a single room with three other individuals. One of them was a male and the other two, well, the other two were females. God only know what they were up to in there. And furthermore Susan, I wouldnt be the least bit surprised to learn that all four of them habitually smoke marijuana cigarettes… REEFERS!”

Of course the lad immediately starts yelling Reefers! Reefers! I was very glad that we were headed away from ’school’ instead of toward it; the ladies and other parents at his ’school’ look at me suspiciously enough as it is.

2. I took a phone survey the other week and at the end when they asked if they could me send a more comprehensive written version I said sure. I didn’t really plan to waste my time doing it but figured it might be interesting to look at it at least. The survey arrived Saturday. I opened it up and the first thing I saw was a crisp new $5 bill taped to the front of it. “Ah, trying to use generosity to guilt me into completing the thing, eh? Nice try, but no dice, suckers.” I bought a sandwich today with that $5 bill. It was tasty (the secret is extra mayo) and that survey is now at the bottom of a landfill somewhere.

3. Finally: the Intern is no longer just a hungry animated lump of poop production (that also occasionally barfs); he can now interact with the world around him. I guess we’ll keep him since he is getting to be much more fun now that he can do stuff, like move his head around to watch and even sometimes laugh at my assorted japes and capering. The Jr. VP tries to get him to laugh by laughing himself but Stinkboy’s fake-laugh is pretty bad. It sounds like he is doing an impression of Terminator-era Schwarzenegger when he fake-laughs. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! If he ever laughs like that and then says “I’ll be back” in that same voice I will need a surgeon due to the busted gut I’d incur. I hope that sort of thing can be fixed but if not it’d still probably be worth it.

4. Kjel.org recently got a giant exercise ball. Someone has a new “funnest game in the world“: step 1. Lay on top of said ball. Step 2. Ball rolls forward, boy goes with it. Step 3. Put face into ground. Step 4. Repeat. Too fun Daddy!!! Too fun!!! Whatever, he seems to like it, bloody noses notwithstanding.

5. I’d be remiss if I didn’t wish you a happy Columbus Day. It’s one of my favorite holidays: today I am going to kiss any random Spaniards I come across and slap around any indigenous people I happen to stumble upon. I’ll do it to, you know, celebrate. It’s the spirit of the season! Yay Columbus! Stupid holiday that doesn’t even get the CEO a day off — pretty much mailmen sorry, letter-carriers are the main beneficiary of Columbus Day. Look, Cristobal was not even the first European to set foot in North America, let alone the first person, so honoring him as some legendary explorer is lame. Also, there are reasonable Americans that are offended by the fact that the federal govt sets aside a day to honor Columbus. I don’t share their offense (my side — aka Western Civ — won after all) but I hate to unnecesarily give offense to good people. Columbus Day is stupid; I propose that we instead do this. All-Sports Day. Make it on a Friday in early October every year, and let MLB and college and pro football use the day to schedule games. I expect many other fringe sports would follow suit, and within a year or three the holiday will be accepted and have it’s own fun traditions and norms. It worked for Kwanzaa, so why not this? It’ll be like the Super Bowl, but better — you get the day off, and then a whole weekend to recover from your bacon hangover. In a lot of the country early October is still pretty nice weatherwise, so it could in some ways be like a late Labor Day, but instead honoring something useful. Columbus Day? Overrated. All Sports Day? An idea whose time has come.

6. This could easily happen at Kjel.org, but I have a sneaking suspicion it wouldn’t be Mom with the hardware were this to go down near the HQ:

Mom Allegedly Flashes Gun at Bus Stop
JACKSONVILLE, Fla. (AP) - Jacksonville authorities say a mother pulled out a gun at a school bus stop because her son was being bullied. The police report says 40- year-old Johnna Briggs pointed the gun at other students getting off the bus and said, “Does anyone have something to say?” Her son was being bullied on the school bus and authorities say she wanted to put an end to it. Briggs is charged with improper exhibition of a firearm, a misdemeanor.

If physical violence is ever threatened or visited upon one of the lads’ enemies it’s not going to require CSI Portland to figure out which one of their parents is the more likely suspect. Hmm, which parent has a documented history of threatening to, quote, “maul” anyone who might harm or otherwise inconvenience any member of the this weird Kjel.org cult thingy? CEO: Sorry officer. That smartass fourth grader had it coming.

7. If you are a member of a professional or collegiate sports team of any type you had better hope and pray that the CEO never roots for you to win. As this last weekend has proved, beyond any scintilla of a doubt, the CEO rooting for you guarantees* that you are going to lose. Sorry.

On that note: Go Huskies!!!

* Not an actual guarantee. Kjel.org user terms and conditions can be downloaded at kjel.org/cares

I was in the shower when the CFO poked her head in and said “Planes have hit the World Trade Center! — one of the Towers collapsed!!” Huh? I rinsed off as fast as I could, grabbed a towel and ran out to the front room. Within 5 seconds of me making it to the TV the second tower fell. A smarter, more insightful, more creative (and less vulgar and/or blasphemous) person would have said something meaningful at this point; the CEO was reduced to Holy-motherfucking-shit did that just happen!?!? And then Son-of-a-fucking-bitch. Goddammit. I just watched 5,000 people die. Fuck. The rest of the day was a haze, punctuated by the occasional what the fuck? as some new detail would come out. I’m pretty sure I went to work that day, but I’m equally sure that no work got done.

It’s probably some sort of character flaw but by the time I got home and the enormity of what had happened had penetrated my thick skull, I had a monumentally overwhelming urge to lock the windows, bar the door, pour myself six fingers of bourbon and then stay up all night sitting in a chair in the hallway with a loaded shotgun in my lap. I could have remained in that position for a week. If I could also have had the launch codes for the U.S. nuclear arsenal near my right hand, all the better.

Christ, that was only 2001; back then Kjel.org consisted of just me and the CFO. I can’t imagine what I would do now in the same situation, but it would likely involve a certain someone “going off the deep end” so to speak. If in the future some terrorist shitstain lands another 9-11 sized blow on the U.S. I recommend you call before you come over.

I was gonna start this with “maybe I’m an idiot”, but really, there is no “maybe” involved. A better person would have put most of this behind them by now, but that better person is not the CEO. I very much miss September 10, 2001, and while remembering the day that followed thoroughly sucks, I think also that we forget that day at our peril. I haven’t, even though I sometimes try. Sorry for the downer. Pointless drivel about mundane crap will resume tomorrow.

It turns out the CEO does not like being a neighborhood activist, but if it becomes necessary in order to kill off this stupid Local Improvement District the city and some harpy up my street are trying to force on me and my neighbors, then so be it. CFO, find me another clean shirt! It’s fighting time, bureaucratic style!

A little background: an LID is a process the city has in place whereby neighbors can “band together” to pay for city-sanctioned road improvements. More about it here at a city of Portland website if you are interested. The problem is that “banding together” is pretty loosely defined. Once proposed, the city has a lot of latitude as to whether or not an LID is actually formed. And if an LID is formed, Kjel.org pays, whether it wants to or not. (Thanks, harpy!)

The LID Administrator the city sent out to talk at the meeting last night initially claimed to have no opinion as to whether we should proceed or not, but after listening to him that is clearly bullshit: it’s his job to get these things through after all, as they increase the city’s property tax base at no cost to the city.

So anyway, the CEO is now going to have to waste a bunch of his time trying to make sure that I’m not forced to pay for improvements on a road that doesn’t need it, “fixes” that would actually be detrimental to the neighborhood. The money involved is no small change either: while the PDX guy couldn’t give any solid numbers yet, he said most likely “mid five-figures” for the average property owner. He then tried to sugarcoat it: “it’s not personal debt remember, but is just a lien on the property itself.” Oh, just a lien! I’m terribly sorry, I guess it turns out that this thing would be fucking swell after all! I’ll just shut my mouth and go back to Happy Land, living in my gumdrop house on Lollipop Lane!! If you can’t tell, I was being sarcastic.

Sorry about that. The CEO gets a little fired up thinking about this. There are several other reasons this process pisses me off (i.e. turns out that that chucklehead the city sent last night was the author of a change in the Portland City Code a few years back making it easier for the city to form LID’s without the requisite “yes” votes from affected property owners. Impartial my ass.) but I’ll save those rants for another time. If I have to actually start attending City Hall meetings to keep this damn thing from happening the CEO’s demeanor toward certain neighbors is going to be sour, to say the least. The next block party might be a little icy . . . as if the CEO would ever go to such a thing in the first place.

So the CEO has been hitten my switches in a fresh Ford Focus these last few days. The experience will in the future remind me to focus on getting a better rental car next time I need one. Sorry.

Anyway, the red Suby was overheating a bit last week so I took it on down to Metro. They are the best guys in town, and I am happy to put in a plug for them. Metro absolutely gets the Kjel.org seal of approval. I’ve used them happily for years, for reasons just like this:

My man at Metro examined the Suby and told me the head gasket was shot, and needed to be replaced. (Whatever that means. The CEO is no mechanic) I asked how much, he said About a grand, but I won’t do it for you. He then proceeded to pull up the warranty info on my make and model, and told me that Subaru of America would pay for the whole thing if I took it to the dealership. Awesome, thanks. I need a new clutch too, and I know the dealer doesn’t cover that. You want to go ahead and do that for me? I won’t do that either. I’d charge you $800 for the clutch, but have the dealership do it and you are looking at only $300 since they’ll have the engine out anyway for the warranty repairs. In fact, here, here’s a list of other stuff you should ask the dealer to do since the expensive part (the labor to remove and then, eventually, reattach the engine) is already covered. He wouldn’t even change my oil: said the dealer would do that as part of the head gasket replacement.

Metro turned away all kinds of money and pointed me toward someone who could become a competitor for my business, just because they were looking out for me. The Suby dealership? Was efficient enough, and is most likely at least reasonably competent, but where’s the love? I’ll be back at Metro.

I got my current dope ride from the boys at Enterprise on Barbur. When I say boys I mean it: a bunch of frat boy types are running that place. High fives, nicknames, cheap dress clothes and poorly tied ties, rush handshakes — feels a lot like a fraternity when you walk in. Nice guys though, and they are gonna rent me a van over New Years for about 1/10 of the price U-haul wanted.

A poster from the National Archives:

The U.S. was a very different place back then.

I would like to enroll Jr. at Winterhaven Elementary just so I can make fun of his classmates’ parents.

Anti-war parents pull kids from field trip to Guard base
PORTLAND, Ore. (AP) - Parents of some children at a Portland elementary school, opposed to the U.S. invasion of Iraq, have refused to let them attend Pentagon-financed classes at an Oregon National Guard base. The Starbase program uses jet engines and advanced computer technology to teach children about space and aviation. Each year, a handful of students don’t attend because their parents object to the military’s role, said Marilyn Sholian, Starbase director for Portland Public Schools. But Sholian has never seen anything like the reaction at Winterhaven, a K-8 school in southeast Portland. Parents of 12 fourth- and fifth-graders have refused to let their children take part.

Southeast Portland. Why bother stating the obvious; I think we all could have assumed where this school was.

“I was shocked by the number and adamancy,” she told The Oregonian newspaper. The boycott means 20 percent of the 60 eligible Winterhaven students won’t attend. Winterhaven Principal Tanya Ghattas signed the school up for Starbase two weeks ago, after another Portland school gave up its spot in the program’s fall schedule. Parents voiced concerns right away. Jessica Applegate-Brown said she couldn’t encourage her fourth-grade son to spend time around war machines after openly talking about her opposition to the war. “I’m objecting to the climate we’re in right now,” she said. “Ten years ago, this may have not been a big deal. But now, it is.” Another parent, James Ewing, said he’s not anti-military, but couldn’t let his fourth-grade daughter attend: “It’s not appropriate for the military to be conducting what amounts to a recruiting program at an elementary school level.” . . . “They may not come out and say it’s recruitment,” Ewing said. “But they’re definitely laying the groundwork for that.” Capt. Mike Braibish, an Oregon National Guard spokesman, said no one has tracked the number of kids going through the program who join the armed forces, but says it would probably be “quite low”.

Captain Mike did quite well not to end his quote “quite low, you freakin idiots.”

I looked at the Portland Starbase website and read the curriculum, and it sounds pretty cool. If Stinkboy ever gets to do this I am definitely going to tag along. I didn’t see though where in the program the recruitment section was, but I have a feeling I wasn’t looking for it quite as hard as some of the Winterhaven parents.

It’s a bit difficult for the CEO to imagine being so unconfident in one’s ability to influence your own children. If the CEO was, say, adamantly anti-military (and that is a pretty goddamn big IF), I’m pretty sure that it would rub off enough on the boy to an extent that I wouldn’t be worried that a few hours at the Guard base on a school field trip would turn Jr. into GI Joe. Being a parent can be scary enough; if you don’t believe that you are or have been a strong enough influence on your kids it must be terrifying.

Or maybe it’s not that at all, and this whole thing is just another example of stupid hippie posturing (”We’re speaking truth to power, man. We’re making a stand! No child of mine is going to be exposed to Chimpy McBushHitler’s war machine, man, unless we’re marching against it. No blood for oil!” , or, more likely “Did you hear that David and Lisa pulled their twins, River and Skye, out of some field trip to a military base? I think we need to do the same with little Aspen. After all, we’re as progressive as David and Lisa if not more so, aren’t we?”). Either way it makes me laugh. And a little bit sad for the kids missing out.

There are certain days in any year that the CEO looks forward to as awesome, can’t miss-type days: The Superbowl. The Apple Cup. The Winter Beer Fest. New Years Eve. But there is one day better than all the rest: Summerfest, aka the opening of the Summer Season of beer pong at the Chief Educator’s house. The CEO has done crazy things at Summerfest since that party was first inaugurated. I have drunk my weight in Natural Light. I have fallen on ping pong tables and had them fold up on me, only to miraculously survive unscathed. I’ve made it out of Thriftway without being arrested, despite the fact that I was kicking seven cases of beer down the aisle and screaming in Spanish. (Side note: It seems counterintuitive, but the CEO’s command of foreign languages actually improves when he has had nine or ten beers. Just one of those things.)

As the years go by though, the party has taken on a different tone. Some of us will be bringing our kids. All of us are a little older, and with that age often comes additional maturity, or at least the realization that in polite company one must fake an elevated level of maturity. For example, I doubt anyone will break any chairs this weekend, or put on a viking helmet and run amok in the Educator’s backyard. We’ll probably all just sit or stand around, drinking responsibly, maybe watching some kids run through a sprinkler or something. We might as well start talking about our 401(k)’s, or how well our grandkids are doing, or the great episode of Matlock we caught on USA last night before falling asleep at quarter to eight.

On Saturday the CEO plans to rage against this dying of the light, and I urge all Kjel.org members and auxiliaries to do the same. I’ve got a big day planned, and it does not involve Bed Bath and Beyond. Or streaking for that matter, but anyway, as my man Humpty says, Let’s get stupid!

As the TV, newspaper, radio, and internet have duly informed me, today is 6/6/06. I’m not quite convinced that Armegeddon is on tap for today, but I did listen to some Iron Maiden in the car this morning to commemorate the event.

For me, the bigger story is that today is the 62nd anniversary of the D-Day landings in France. The CFO and I have been to Normandy and poked around the landing beaches, forts and memorials. All are interesting, but I think the most impressive D-Day site has to be Pointe Du Hoc. On D-Day U.S. Army Rangers landed at the base of the Pointe, and then assaulted the German fortification on the cliffs above. Although the Navy and Air Force had bombed the crap the out of it, the fortifications on top were still largely intact when the Rangers arrived and started to climb. The CFO and I walked over the entire site, complete with shell holes and remaining pill boxes, and peeked over the cliffs as the Germans would have on D-Day: there is no possible way that the attack should have worked. Those guys had some serious cojones, to say the least.

If you’ve never read it, you owe it to yourself to check out Reagan’s speach at Point Du Hoc on June 6, 1984. There’s a reason he was known as the Great Communicator.

In case you missed it last night, Comedy Central is replaying parts one and two of “Cartoon Wars” tonight at 9:30 and 10:00. It’s genius; too bad Comedy Central felt required to censor part of it last night. From Stephen Spruiell:

I’m not sure if it’s been reported yet, but for what it’s worth, I just got off the phone with a Comedy Central spokesman. I asked him about last night’s episode of South Park in which, at a moment right before the prophet Mohammed was supposed to make a cameo, the words, “Comedy Central has refused to broadcast an image of Mohammed on their network” appeared on the screen. I asked him whether this truly was Comedy Central’s decision or whether this was just another gag (with South Park, you never know). He said: “They reflected it accurately. That was a Comedy Central decision.” Just in case there was any confusion, that settles it. Comedy Central censored the image.

VIENNA, Austria - Right-wing British historian David Irving was sentenced to three years in prison Monday after admitting to an Austrian court that he denied the Holocaust — a crime in the country where Hitler was born.

I’m not saying that Irving isn’t a deficient historian, a terrible person, or that the CEO wouldn’t hit him with a stick should his form ever darken the HQ’s door. But he absolutely should not be in jail. Free speech is free speech is free speech. The solution to the bullshit that Irving (or any other crazy asshat) puts out there is rational, responsive speech, not the suppression of the initial asshattery.

In this day and age especially there are very few reasons for denying anyone, stupid though they may be, their right to speak/publish/film/email/etc on any topic they so desire. In 2006 informed rebuttal is just too easy. Calls for limitations on free speech seem to always come from those who hold opinions or beliefs that can’t otherwise compete in the marketplace of ideas. Frustration sets in: Bad Idea Mad!! Bad Idea Smash Free Speech!!!

I hate to say it, because I know that their anti-Nazi goals are noble, but Austria should be ashamed. Wouldn’t it really be more anti-totalitarian to allow Irving to spout his idiocy, and then let free speech fulfill it’s corrective function? Jailing someone for their expression, no matter how wrongheaded they may be, is not the way civilized people ought to act.