The institutional mouthpiece of Kjel.org

It is now a certainty: my little AK has the Devil in him. The CFO’s Mom called it a few weekends ago and I think she is right. Evidence:

When the Jr VP does something bad he tries to hide it, and then is sad and ashamed when you call him out on it. The AK? He will make sure you see him do whatever it is he is doing, with a huge grin and a devilish gleam in his eye the whole time. An example: the other night he kept stealing dishes from the dishwasher as the CFO was trying to load it. After several rounds of this the CFO was fairly irritated with the AK and closed the dishwasher. At this, angry at being thwarted, he walked in the other room and grabbed a (thankfully) soft baseball bat, walked past his Mommy, looked her in the eye and smiled, and then raised the bat above his head and brought it down onto the head of his brother. The AK didn’t care about his brother; he was trying to punish Mommy. He got in serious trouble for that one, but really, how do you punish a not-quite-two year old? We put him in “time-out” and he just sits there and smiles the whole time. I hope it is just a stage. Demonic possessions go away on their own, right?

Not that the Jr VP is an angel all the time either, but a problem (one among many) with him is that on occasion the CFO and I will disagree on what is appropriate behavior for the lad. The other afternoon when some kids were walking behind our property to get to the street below us they were spotted by Stinkboy. He rushed to the open window: “GET OFF OF MY LAWN!!!. His parents were respectively aghast/angry and amused/impressed. I will leave it to you, Gentle Reader, to guess to whom to assign those particular responses.

If you think that mommy’s little unborn monster will only need (or will only be able to earn) an associate degree, let me offer you this: Give him or her the middle name of Swearengen and I will pick up the tab for two years of college. This offer only stays on the table for another week or two, so you two fuckers better make your call soon.

That is the deal, take it or leave it. In the words of the great man himself: Here is my counter-offer to your counter offer. Go fuck yourself.

1. Kjel.org went to Bellevue a few days back for my padre’s retirement party, my birfday, and just a general g-parents get to play with the lads type of weekend. Awesome of course, but just one more reason the CEO didn’t answer or return any of your calls last week. Sorry.

Some fun stuff from the trip:

a. Me, the CFO, both kids and the CEO’s mom were at the clubhouse pool early Saturday afternoon. The Jr VP was in the kiddie pool holding court. Some other little guy got in with a supercool USS Missouri-looking-pool-toy. The second the kid let go of it and looked away Stinkboy snagged it and started re-enacting portions of WWII. The kid noticed and was pissed:

Kid: “Hey! Give me back my ship!”

Jr. VP: [looking at Mommy and pointing at Kid] But he has to share!!

Mommy: “No, he doesn’t! We don’t even know that boy so give the ship back to him!”

Jr. VP [thinks a moment] Hello, what’s your name? My name is Sor__. Let’s be friends!

Bravo. It didn’t work out for him, but at least the lad is thinking. Nice try amigo.

b. In the car the Jr VP started chanting a certain ‘cheer’. I’ve no idea where he got it from but it must have been one of the other little dudes at ’school’. It got stuck in my head and for 72 hours all I could hear or think about was:

We will, we will
ROCK YOU!
SHOCK YOU!
And FLUSH you down the TOI-LET!
Don’t forget to ENJOY IT!

The “Enjoy It” part I just couldn’t get over. On Saturday in my parents back yard I gave my sister a chip out of a snack bowl and said “Don’t forget to enjoy it.” Stinkboy heard and the both of us totally cracked up; no one else had any idea why the two of us were completely overcome with laughter. That was fine though.

c. Trees are 90% air my ass. “What clubs do you want to hit?” Just give me the pitching wedge. It is the only club I need at my preferred Portland area course other than my old Billy Baroo, so I should work on that one. “Uh, OK.”

At the practice range by my parents house a certain black hole was masquerading as a tree. I sent four dozen golf balls into that ‘tree’; I recovered 6. I’ve seen Tin Cup too many times: I did not accept the fact that I could not clear that ‘tree’ until I was out at least 40 balls. “No, no, no, this time I’ll find my swing . . . ”

2. I would like to expand upon an offer conveyed to the Chief Educator the other day. I hereby promise to pay for the college education of the Chiefs Bride and Educators first spawn if said child is named thusly: If the tyke is a boy? Kjett or Kjevy is acceptable. A girl? Kjelley or M’Kjel (bonus points for the apostrophe). The middle name shall be any of the following: Wayne. Jo-Jo. Kjel-Kjel. Ronrico. Make it happen, Chief. Make it happen.

3. I realized after the fact that I missed Flag Day this year. Dammit.

4. I am moving toward an all Dri-Fit wardrobe for summer 2009. Additionally I have a sweet new pair of Adidas that I am rocking, funky fresh and yes cold on my feet. Sorry Aki. My new collection of Dri-Fit shirts has a lot of Nike Golf in it though so don’t feel too bad.

5. Clark County Amphitheatre. Def Leppard. Cheap Trick. Poison. Friday September 11 2009. It feels a bit wrong to go to a show on 9/11, but the way I figure is that if I don’t get to see Def Leppard and friends play that day, the terrorists have won. And abso-no-fucking-lutely way am I gonna let that happen on my watch. Terrorists fuck off. Def Leppard on the other hand, I want you, to want me!

6. I am little bit worried that certain things I’ve dreamt about have come to pass. Hopefully tonight I do not dream about Godzilla or a meteor hitting the earth or an epic robot apocalypse of some sort.

7. Our city is in the very best of hands:

PORTLAND, Ore. - Portland Mayor Sam Adams could lose two homes in north Portland after falling behind on his mortgage payments. The homes in question sit side-by-side on North McClellan Street in the Kenton neighborhood and both are now in pre-foreclosure. KATU obtained a copy of two notices of default against the properties, showing the mayor has not paid a mortgage payment on either home for five months. With late fees, that adds up to over $10,000 in back payments. Adams said Tuesday his financial problems stemmed from the fact that he had to pay up front for legal bills in connection with an investigation into his relationship with Beau Breedlove. While two of his properties are now at risk, the mayor vows he will get caught up.

8. Finally, is the CEO really some sort of right-wing nutjob? I may well be, since as we all know online quizes NEVER LIE:

My Political Views
I am a right social libertarian
Right: 6.29, Libertarian: 5.65

Political Spectrum Quiz

This morning the CFO gets out of the shower, puts on a robe, and checks in on the Jr. VP. There is a large lump in the middle of his bed under a blanket where he normally is; the lump is obviously him still asleep. The CFO says “sweet” and goes back to her room to brush her teeth and comb her hair and whatnot. A bit later she hears the Intern laughing and laughing from his crib across the hall. “Wow, Señor Bebé is in a good mood today. Awesome!” The CFO finishes up her morning rituals and heads over to the AK’s room to grab him from the crib, get him dressed and take him downstairs to feed him some grub. She stands in front of his crate and leans down toward the boy. “Why is my baby so happy today!!” she says while watching the lad laugh and laugh and laugh. She soon learns. At the height of the baby’s laughter a certain four year old reaches out from under the crib and grabs his Mommy’s bare ankle with authoritay. Hello Mommy!

AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! said the CFO. The Jr VP then needed a paper bag to defeat hyperventilation as he was so proud of himself for grabbing Mommy. Good Lord I love that little dude. At least until he really does give Mommy a heart attack, then our relationship will be a little more complicated.

Some slimy scum-sucking bag of pus out there made himself a new enemy on Saturday night. I went out to the car on Sunday to head to the grocery store, and some miscreant had thrown an egg at it and connected. No other cars I could see in the neighborhood had been egged, just mine. I suspect teens and am currently plotting revenge. Plotting more fervently than usual, I mean.

Scene: in car with family, driving to the grocery store. Daddy slightly fuming.

Jr VP: Mommy, why is Daddy so mad?

Mommy: “Because some bad person threw an egg at Daddy’s car.”

Jr VP: We should find that person and BURN DOWN THEIR HOUSE!!

Mommy [rolling eyes and groaning], to Daddy: “This is your fault you know.”

Daddy: I know.

Jr VP, warming to his topic: AND THEN WE WILL MAKE THEIR CAR BLOW UP AND THEY WILL BE COVERED IN FIRE!!

Daddy: That is going a little too far Stinkboy, but if we figure out who did this we’ll get them somehow. You up for a late night flaming-bag-of-poop delivery if we can figure out who to deliver it to?

Mommy: “Please stop talking. Both of you.”

If you are between the ages of 14 and 19 I would recommend not coming by the HQ for a while as you will be viewed as a suspect. Sorry.

And one more thing: guess where I parked, eh?

1. Last weekend Kjel.org went to Bellevue to visit the ‘rents, and let them have some time playing with the boys. It had been several months you see and the CEO’s parents were overjoyed to get some boy-time. They went to the pool and to the park and read and played and in general had a good time. Grandma bought the Jr VP six bottles of chocolate milk; he drank them all in a 48 hour period. Also he got to sleep on a top bunk in his own bedroom one night, an then slept in the room with his GP’s the other night. He stayed up several hours after bed time watching TV with them. We paid for it in the car on Sunday but that is neither here nor there.

It is only today that my right arm is no longer sore. I spent the majority of Saturday whipping a ball around with Cousin Chuckles, and rubber-armed I am not. I really need to limit my pitch count in any future outing and remember to stick with the soft stuff.

We visited the new home of Sister E and M-Poo. Too cool. Expect a goat for your birthday this year — he’ll help with the weeds.

2. The AK has been permanently wounded for several weeks now since he adds a new one as soon as an old one can heal. I need to rename him Danger Boy, as he has no regard for his own personal safety. On Sunday afternoon he did a giant running faceplant in the kitchen and banged his face on the ground. Blood? Oh yes there was blood. At least Danger Boy knows enough to stay on the hardwood when the claret makes an appearance.

3. The CEO is in Scotsdale right now for a work thing. Son of a bitch it is hot here. I know everywhere is air-conditioned, but hell, I cracked a pretty serious sweat getting from the plane to the airport terminal. From the airport to the hotel though? Me and a collegue pimped it in style. It only cost $7 more than a regular cab ride would have. I think it was worth it.

4. Upon arriving at the hotel I took inventory of all of the things that I’d failed to pack and/or had taken from me in the PDX security line: toothpaste, hair treatment, dress socks, a computer cord, and my cell phone. Poor packing on this trip by the CEO. Amateur mistakes, but I was able to fix everything (except that damn phone) and within an hour or so I was back in business. Otherwise it was going to be dress shoes with white socks and messy hair to match today.

5. I won’t comment on the business at hand except to say this: the CEO has broken many, many laws in his life — it’s one of my goals, sort of like eating one of every animal on the planet. Today I think I can scratch off another law from my list. See you in Hell, Sherman Act!

6. After a bbq a weekend back the craziest thing was found at the HQ. A hat that looks like it was designed for a Sasquatch (or perhaps Jack-in-the-Box) was found on our couch. It was a Seahawk hat after all so there might be something to the Sasquatch / Pac NW connection. Maybe he’ll come by and get it sometime?

7. Dinner shortly with our whole crew at this place: Pepin. I am a little bit worried, as this crowd has been rambunctious in the past. Please forgive anything posted here at midnight.

I like my cars the same way I like my women. Look here to see what I mean.