The institutional mouthpiece of Kjel.org

1. The CEO owes a belated thank you to the Man from the Dalles and the D-O-G-G for coming over to the HQ the other weekend and helping me to move that hide-a-bed couch. Either it was really damn heavy, or I am turning into even more of a wuss than I used to be — for about three days afterwards I felt like someone had kicked my ass. The Dogg and I tried to do it ourselves, and almost could, but we couldn’t figure out how to get it through a certain doorway. The two of us tried for about ten minutes but were stuck. After he arrived it took the engineer among the three of us 15 seconds to solve the problem. Stupid liberal arts majors.

2. I have tentatively started the process of car shopping: the CFO needs and deserves a new ride. I immediately looked at the Nissan Armada. It turns out that the Armada is way more car than we need or want which is really too bad. I was so looking forward to saying certain things when the CFO (who was going to be retitled The Admiral if we bought it) was piloting her new car. The CFO is coming to pick me up? “Behold, the Admiral approaches with her Armada!” The CFO takes a loop around SW Portland doing errands? “All hail the Armada and the Admiral for her successful circumnavigation of Garden Home!” If she wrecks it? Good Lord! The Admiral has dashed her Armada upon the rocks!” You get the idea. Anyway, the early front runners I think are slightly used versions of either this Mazda (zoom zoom!) or this Volvo (bork bork bork!). I’ve never actually driven or even ridden in either of these cars, so if you have please let me know what you thought.

3. The foulmouthedness continues for the Jr. VP. As does the obsession with Star Wars:
The other morning he was sleeping in and had to be woken up. After a few shakes he was sort of awake, but still had his eyes closed. Out of his mouth: Where the hell am I?”. His mom was not impressed. “Uhh, honey, were you having a dream, I hope?” Yeaaaaahhh. “What were you doing?” I was at Jabba’s house. He did not elaborate further.

4. The CFO has been out of town for a bit, and the boys are all alone at the HQ. I don’t have to tell you what that means. Daddy: Son number one, what do you want for dinner? Jr. Vp: Cheetos and beef jerky!!! Daddy: You’re the boss. You want a beer with that too? Discipline can be difficult to maintain when the CFO is not at the HQ.

5. On Sunday morning the Jr. VP said I want to eat cheeseburgers and go to the old park and visit Han Solo and Princess Leia and play video games! In pretty short order I figured out that Leia and Han were aka the Chiefs Educator and Bride. I am not one to deny the boy, so away we went on our big day out. Things started off well enough, with the three of us picking up neccesary supplies (like Cheetos and beef jerky) at the Thriftway. We then continued to Solo’s pad where Stinkboy got to play old school video games (he learned how to play Dig Dug) and the AK managed to break very little. As is our wont when the CFO is away, three boys then went for cheeseburgers and a vist to the park. Yet another sign that the lad has watched way too much TV: when I asked him if he wanted a hamburger or a cheeseburger, he laughed and said No! I want a Krustyburger! I had to stop the car and give him a hug at that one. The trip went downhill quickly from there.

The ‘old park’ that we went to is on the side of a hill. It might have been sunny on Sunday, but at that park it was also windy and cold as hell. I was of course wearing shorts. Eight steps from the car the little AK did a total faceplant on the sidewalk, so of course we had to deal with that first. Finally we sat down on the park bench to eat our lunch. I was seated next to the AK, helping him to eat since the concept of a “McNugget with dipping sauce” was new to him. About three minutes in the Jr VP spilled all of his chocolate milk all over himself. He of course started wailing; not because he had spilled, but because he realized that now he had no chocolate milk. A gust of cold wind then blew an unsecured napkin off of the table; it was quickly gaining airspeed and altitude. It was the only clean napkin left and I needed it to wipe off the boy so I jumped up and ran for it. At about the 10 yard mark I turned around when I heard both boys scream: two crows were on our table, fighting over my Big Mac. As I yelled and ran back to the table, the winner flew off with my lunch in his mouth. Three freezing, two crying and one swearing boy decided that maybe today wasn’t a good day to go to the park. Home we went. I am going back to that park with a shotgun in the near future. Or at least daydream about doing so.

6. Finally, and most importantly, huge congratulations to the CEO’s littlest sister on her recent engagement. The destination wedding is a good idea and sounds like it is going to AWESOME, and I can’t wait to bring the kids to Mexico. I plan to walk around Puerto Vallarta with my own little six year old interpreter. Mi padre querría otro por favor.

This is why:

PORTLAND, Ore. - A semi-truck hauling soy sauce and other food overturned on Interstate 5 near southwest Portland’s Terwilliger Curves Monday morning, causing a huge traffic mess. The wreck happened about 8 a.m. and blocked all southbound freeway traffic. Eventually, officials opened a lane of southbound traffic, but the backup stretched for miles. The northbound lanes were also impacted initially. Some drivers stuck behind the wreck actually got out of their cars and passed the time during the delay by striking up conversations with others.

I locked the doors on the Red Suby.

A few of you have asked for more detail regarding the Jr. VP’s recent operation, but sorry, even thinking about it makes me woozy. The following haiku is the best I can do:

Surgeon wields scalpel
Testicle on lad repaired
Why do my nuts ache?

The Jr. VP had his operation on Monday. He did great and everything went well and the lad is fine. His parents perhaps are not so fine, but we are maybe starting to come around.

I know what I am doing tonight:

After the last day or three I think I’ve earned it. I might give one to Stinkboy too. As for the CFO? She gets as many of these as she wants.

Note to self: if in Arkansas do not put the boys in ’school’:

LITTLE ROCK, Ark. (AP) - Ten children at a day care center drank windshield wiper fluid after a staffer served it from a container mistaken for Kool-Aid and placed in a refrigerator, authorities said Friday. The day care owner surrendered her state license Friday. Doctors estimate the children, ages 2 to 7, drank about an ounce of the blue fluid late Thursday afternoon before realizing it tasted wrong, said Laura James, a pediatric pharmacologist and toxicologist at Arkansas Children’s Hospital in Little Rock.

Smart kids there in Arkansas.

“What a good parent am I” by the CEO.

Scene: Kjel.org eating dinner a few nights ago.

Jr. VP: [Has empty milk glass in front of him. Tries to take a drink but gets nothing] Ahhh, what the hell?

The CFO and I look at each other. She decides to take a run at it.

CFO: No, no, don’t say that, we say ‘what the heck’.

Jr. VP: You say ‘what the heck’. I say ‘what the hell.’

The CEO had to excuse himself, as the lad’s logic was unassailable. Also I didn’t want him to see me laugh. I mean really, what the fuck else was I supposed to do at that point?

Throughout history, poverty is the normal condition of man. Advances which permit this norm to be exceeded — here and there, now and then — are the work of an extremely small minority, frequently despised, often condemned, and almost always opposed by all right-thinking people. Whenever this tiny minority is kept from creating, or (as sometimes happens) is driven out of a society, the people then slip back into abject poverty.
This is known as “bad luck.”
-Heinlein

The CEO has been thinking a lot about taxes lately, both personally and at work. Not the best time to be employed by a still slightly profitable medium-sized aggressively entrepreneurial non-bailout-looking-for corporation located in California. And the United States, I suppose. It’s difficult to shake the feeling that we all have a large bullseye painted on our backs. Christ, at this rate pretty soon I am going to be re-reading and quoting Atlas Shrugged. Sorry people, I’ll stop my bitching — I know it is not interesting.

Another quote I am gonna try my damndest to live by (this is one I made up):

Quit being a morose jackass and work harder to appreciate and enjoy what you have now, ya ungrateful bastard.
-CEO

Feel free to quote me on that one wherever you think appropriate. Correct attribution is appreciated.

Another tasty treat I might try sometime.

What I am going to order next time I am at McD’s: the McGangbang

Ah, the sweet relief of baseball — might allow me to relax a little bit and forget everything else now going on in the world.

Griffey’s first game as a Mariner (2nd time around version) on TV tonight. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t excited. The Jr. VP is a lefty too, so I need him to watch the other Jr. a little bit and see if he can’t imitate that swing — he’ll be a lot better served by that instead of watching his old man take cuts with a bat. First pitch is at 6:05 on Fox Sports Net.