The institutional mouthpiece of Kjel.org

On the way home after lunch today I saw a new Dodge Charger on the road. Weird for me to say about an American car, but CEO wants. Badly. I have no need for a muscle car, it is not especially practical, and when the hell am I ever going to get to open it up? Doesn’t matter; I can sweep all those questions aside pretty easily — the CEO’s brain is powerful that way.

Maybe I buy one for the CFO? It’s either that, an F-650, or a Hummer for her next ride. Not sure which she would prefer.

You can’t really see it here, but all day Mt. Hood sat there smirking in bright sunlight, mocking those of us (or at least me) in Portland under the clouds. I’m sorry the picture shows only the clouds; I am still working with 2004 photographic technology here (ie a cheap Razr cell camera). Trust me, Mt. Hood is there if you squint a little bit. Time for a new phone soon I think.

This is the view from my office down Market toward the river for those of you who know downtown Portland. Put my head against the glass and I can actually see the Willamette. If I am standing on a chair.

The CFO is out of town this weekend on a work thing. Of course that means a lots of DVDs for the young lads. Here they are settling in to watch The Empire Strikes Back, one of the Jr. VP’s favorites. The pizza will be here soon, and I’m sure we will stage an AT-AT battle before bed. Yet another reason why the CFO should never leave.

The Jr. VP likes to show you what he is eating . . .

I may have found my next wife. Here she is.

I feel stabby every once in a while.

1. Behold, Fort Chewbacca! The Jr. VP also refers to it as Fort Mulkie. The VP is in charge of naming it, not me. He can call it whatever he wants.

Nothing like taking some blankets and a small tent and creating a “fort” in the living room. The Jr VP spent last night defending it from all sorts of attacks from Daddy and the AK. It remains standing; me and the Intern are still probing for weaknesses and should have this thing defeated soon. Our siege engine should be completed any day now, and we are just now finding the range with our catapults.

2. When I picked up the boys from ’school’ today the owner made me sign a document acknowledging that they had informed me of an injury the AK sustained earlier in the day. Apparently the little dude got too excited and ran off some stairs, planting his face into the corner of a wall at the bottom. He had a big bump on his forehead and a black eye, but he seemed fine otherwise. The daycare ladies seemed more upset than I thought neccesary, so I have a feeling that the injury itself was worse than they let on. The Jr. VP backs me up on this one: he says that there was quite a bit of blood involved, but the ladies at school didn’t mention that. Not sure who to believe on this one. Probably the ladies — the VP can be quite a storyteller at times.

3. There are coyotes that routinely move around in the woods behind our house — I heard them again today when I got home from work. Coyotes have a very distinctive call, and it drives the neighborhood dogs absolutely batshit insane. Are coyotes dangerous? The woods I am talking about come right up to our back yard, and my kids like to play in the back yard. Can a coyote eat a 4-year-old? I might set some traps out just in case. Anybody need a coyote pelt?

4. At certain times the Jr. VP decides he is no longer human and can only speak in “puppy”. Oddly enough, “puppy” can be either English or Spanish, but must be spoken in the following convention: “Ruff ruff, Daddy, ruff, turn on the, ruff, ruff, TV. Ruff”. Similarly “Ruff, ruff, neccesito comer, ruff, ruff.” He will not listen unless you respond in kind. The ‘word’ Ruff has been said quite a few times at the HQ in recent days. Ruff ruff, I’m tired, ruff, of this game! Jr. doesn’t care.

More pictures from the vault. So when are we buying another beerpong table for the Chief Educator?

Nice Nuggets shirt. You lose a bet or something? And I acquired that glass at the Great British Beer Festival in 1999. Somewhere in Ohio there is one just like it — you be careful with it.

Finally, one from way, way back in the day. Back when I lived by a biker bar and the city of Seattle still had a basketball team. Even if their fans rarely did laundry.

The Jr. VP and I played a game tonight where he was “The Cannon Ball Shooter” and I was “Daddy-Homer”. We recently watched a portion of a DVD containing this scene:

Yes, I was wearing goggles and shirtless. No, the CFO was not home at the time. Why do you ask?

Stay on your toes, people: the monkeys are up to something.

Woodland Park Zoo shut down briefly by loose monkey
The Woodland Park Zoo was evacuated and locked down this morning after a small monkey escaped from an enclosure and ran off, zoo officials said.The Woodland Park Zoo was evacuated and locked down this morning after a small monkey escaped from an enclosure and ran off, zoo officials said. By 11:25 a.m., zookeepers had found the 12-year-old male Debrazza’s monkey named Riktus and hit it with a tranquilizer dart, said zoo spokesman David Schaefer. No one was injured and there was no indication anyone was in any danger, he said. The zoo has been reopened.

The Mariners signed Ken Griffey Jr. to a one year contract tonight. The CEO is very conflicted. The analytical side of me hates it and is afraid it means the M’s won’t play the people they should be playing in 2009 in order to give the team a better chance of contending in 2010.

The emotional, sports-fan side of me? I come a little bit close to tearing up every time I see Griffey’s smile at the end of Edgar’s famous double in game 5 of the 1995 wildcard. Plus, I was working in Washington state politics in 1996 and I know to an absolute certainty that the late Mariner run in 1995 led by Griffey guaranteed that Safeco Field would get built and that baseball in Seattle would be saved. Suffice to say I am not too objective on this one.

Sweet Jebus I cannot wait until the baseball season starts again. The first time Junior hits an HR this year I might go a little bit apey.

CHIMP VICTIM HANGING ONTO LIFE
The Connecticut woman viciously attacked by a 200-pound chimp who inexplicably went bananas remains in critical condition this afternoon and faces “life-changing, if not life-threatening injuries” to her face and hands, officials said. The chimpanzee, named Travis, was shot dead by police in Stamford after the violent rampage Monday left a friend of its owner badly mauled. Sandra Herold, who owned the 15-year-old chimp, wrestled with the animal after it attacked her friend, Charla Nash, 55.

. . .

“There was no provocation that we know of,” said Conklin. “One thing that we’re looking into is that we understand the chimpanzee has Lyme disease and has been ill from that, so maybe from the medications he was out of sorts. We really don’t know.” After the 3:30 p.m. attack, Travis ran away and started roaming Herold’s property until police arrived - setting up security so medics could reach the critically injured woman. But the chimpanzee returned and went after several of the officers, who retreated into their cars. Travis knocked the mirror off a cruiser before opening its door and starting to get in, trapping the cop. That officer shot the chimpanzee several times. “The animal had cornered him,” Conklin said. “He had no other recourse.”

The wounded chimpanzee fled the scene, but Conklin said police were able to follow the trail of his blood down a driveway, into the open door of the home, through the house and to his living quarters, where he died of his wounds. Herold and two officers also suffered minor injuries. Cops had dealt with the chimp in the past - including an incident in 2003 when he escaped from his owners’ car in downtown Stamford for two hours. At the time, officers used cookies, macadamia nuts and ice cream in an attempt to lure him, but subdued him only after he became too tired to resist.

At the time of the 2003 incident, police said the Herold assured them that the chimpanzee - who was toilet trained, dressed himself, took his own bath, ate at the table and drank wine from a glass - was not a threat to others. Colleen McCann, a primatologist at the Bronx Zoo, said chimps are unpredictable and dangerous even after living among humans for years. “They are unpredictable, and in instances like this you cannot control that behavior or prevent it from happening if it is in a private home,” she said.

The CFO got home last night after a long day at work. The boys had been home all day. The scene she arrived to:

1. “I Wanna Rock!” by Twisted Sister blaring over the stereo.

2. A one year old running around in a circle screaming, occasionally hitting a wall.

3. Daddy (on his knees) and the Jr. VP in the living room both holding blocks, trying to poke each other with the block while dodging the other guys efforts at the same.

CFO: What game are you guys playing?

CEO: Knifefight.

CFO: No. God no. This is not OK. Stop. Please, stop.

CEO: I actually thought you’d prefer this. What he really wanted to play was “Gunfight”.

Jr. VP: Mommy, watch! I am going to cut Daddy with this very sharp knife! En garde! At this point I parry a thrust from Stinkboy’s “knife.”

CFO to the CEO, mournfully: Why are you doing this? How did this get started? Did it not occur to you that this might not be a good idea?”

CEO: You know, you and I are really very different people.

The Jr VP said to me last night, and I quote, “Daddy, let’s play rock music and fight.” I gave him a little hug, told him I loved him, put on Twisted Sister, and then we started our game. Was it really so wrong?

Sorry everybody. The CEO hasn’t assed out like that in a while and I plan to make sure it is a long while until that occurs again. Big props to JPink for saving my bacon, yet again.

If anyone ever sees me enthusiastically singing karaoke please tackle me and immediately put me in a cab headed toward home — me singing is a certain sign that someone has more whiskey in them then they should.

The CEO was on the phone with his mom the other day.

CEO’s Mom: By the way, why have you quit updating Kjel.org?

CEO: Umm, what?

CEO’s Mom: You know, your website? I like reading it.

CEO: Oh God.

As of today Kjel.org is back. I’m sorry I’ve been away so long, but it has been a very tough and busy month or two. I feel like I’ve been fighting to keep up ever since that December snowstorm and then the week away from work. Added to that is the illness of certain members of Kjel.org, the CFO being very busy, layoffs at my office, trips to L.A. and the general state of the world and whatnot. I hate excuses, so please treat the above just as an explanation.

Anyway, last time I checked in here Kjel.org had just safely arrived in Bellevue for Christmas with my parents. Everything was nice, as usual, and a fun time was had by all. A certain boy had spent many a snow day watching Star Wars movies (the other day he was riding in the car with me and the Chief Educator and pointed at us and said Look, two Jabba the Hutts!) and now enjoys pretending he is characters from the movies. This gift was a huge hit:

On Christmas Day Kjel.org headed to Kihei with the CFO’s family. Here are two boys eating breakfast on the deck of our condo:

A couple of more views from our condo:

The CFO hanging ten. Shaka!

The CFO at lunch in Lahaina. Note the bottle and the margerita on the table. One often neccesitated the other.

The trip was great and we did all kinds of stuff. We ate out at some good restaraunts, drove around the island, went snorkelling and surfing and played on the beach with the lads and all in all had a fun time. We spent New Years on the beach watching fireworks. The CFO discovered that the worst hangover in the world comes from mixing rum with POG. The week went by very fast.

Aside from the Superbowl, the rest of January sort of sucked.

I finally feel like I am out of my funk and getting a bit back to normal. Remembering to play everyday with a certain couple of boys whether I feel like it or not is certainly helpful, as well as is having a bit more confidence now that I will remain employed for the foreseeable future. Someday, perhaps I can combine playing and my work:

Standard Kjel.org content (monkeys, Mariners, boys, CEO stupidity, etc) will now resume.