On Sunday morning the CEO oversaw a disappointing spectacle: the Intern got himself baptized, naked in a church pool and everything, and he didn’t even take the opportunity to cut loose in the holy water. I thought all babies did that? Instead of turning the font into his own personal Gervais-Jacuzzi-style bath, he just sat there and let a golden opportunity for hilarity wizz right by. Is it really only the Jr VP who I can count on for baptismal font hijinks?? Admittedly Stinkboy did his work with a chocolate donut and did it just a few weeks ago at the baptism of one of his pals, but still . . .
The CEO was well behaved at the church even though I’m sure there were those in the crowd who may have imagined my responses during the ceremony thusly: Sure yeah, raise him in the Church. Done. Reject Satan’s glamour or whatever. OK, got it. He’s no longer evil. Let’s hope so. Now can we get to the dunking already? I got beer and chili waiting at home and that football game isn’t going to watch itself. The CEO was not like that at all; I took seriously the task at hand and did my best to make it as meaningful as possible for me and everyone involved. I succeeded for the most part. I won’t lie: I was tempted to lose focus and, say, indulge in a bit of glaring at the teenage idjuts who seem to think it’s OK nowadays to show up in church dressed like a hobo, but I wasn’t there that morning for myself. Only just once did I catch myself engaging in a spot of mental telepathy* directed toward the miscreants.
Everything turned out well. The boy of the hour, my little AK, was a very good baby (”best baby in town!” as Stinkboy calls him) and impressed the hell out of everyone there and those fortunate enough to be in attendance at the lavish afterparty. Except for the fact that he won’t urinate on command for Daddy the Intern seems to doing everything right these days. Keep it up little dude and you might give the Jr. VP a run for his money yet.
* (The CEO’s brainwaves: Jesus-tap-dancing-Christ you stupid assclown, you’re in a goddamn church! Show some fucking class ya dickwad and tuck in that shirt!)
