The institutional mouthpiece of Kjel.org

I brought in the mail the other day and noticed that all the envelopes were covered with dozens of little black ants. I went back outside and performed some recon; sure enough, the ants had launched their spring offensive. In my mailbox. I weighed my tactical options. Some sort of reasonable, proportional response was briefly considered, in line with the jus in bello ideas of Aquinas, but then I came to my senses. One of the WMD’s that I keep in my garage was immediately deployed against the ant menace. A healthy dose of Deltamethrin (Made by Bayer. Yes, that Bayer) ant poison was applied to the battlespace, and this chemical weapon shock and awe campaign proved quite successful. The ants not killed in the initial attack appear to have retreated, but the CEO will continue to patrol the HQ’s perimeter just in case they try to regroup.

It’s been a tough couple of years for Mariner fans. There are just too many painful issues surrounding the M’s to get into all of them — instead, I will focus just on one with a Kjel.org connection:

Several years ago the CFO and I were at a Mariner game. She was still relatively new to Mariner spectating and baseball fandom in general, and wasn’t completely familiar with players stats or how they were arrived at. A certain Mariner third baseman stepped to the plate, and they flashed his season batting average on the big screen. This was several weeks into the season, mind you, far enough along that the scoreboard operator didn’t feel obligated to show last season’s stats. The CFO was confused. I thought batting averages started with either a one, two, or three? she said. Why does his start with a zero? How is that possible?

How is that possible, indeed. It was possible because that player was Jeff Cirillo, a black hole in the Mariner lineup for two seasons before he was finally released. Jeff Cirillo now? Batting .393 for the Milwaukee Brewers. Meanwhile, Cirillo’s replacement, 2004 NL MVP runner-up Adrian Beltre (.334 ; 48 HR in 2004) is hitting .221 in 2006 and is on pace to hit 8 homers this year. I know baseball isn’t fair, but this just makes no sense. The only logical explanation I can come up with is that third base at Safeco has some sort of hex on it. Third base at Safeco gives the stink-eye to all who inhabit it. The Mariners need to draft a voodoo priest of some sort, or at least get a bench coach who knows something about amulets and charms and the like.

The Jr. VP reaches base camp. He considers taking a breather before attempting the summit.

Screw that, he thinks. I’ll put on some inspirational music (Mix-A-Lot) and try for the top. Man, I wish I had a Powersauce bar.

Success! I rule! Ahh, the majesty of being up so high, and in so much danger. Surely though a responsible adult is close by with his hands free ready to catch me, and not preoccupied with little buttons on a camera phone.

I am so happy with myself that I can’t even look normal! Swass points, no deduction!!

Now, sweet repose after my grueling climb.

Zaffino got himself removed from the CEO’s Enemies List last winter when he finally delivered some snow. If he knows what’s good for him he’ll stay off the list by serving up some sunny weather this weekend. Why do you like ruining Portland’s holidays with crappy weather, Matt? If it rains this weekend, or on the 4th of July again, the CEO will not be pleased. More dangerously for you Matt, the Jr. VP will also not be pleased.

Stupid weather: I had to actually turn on the heat at the HQ this evening. It’s May 25th, what the hell? I was promised Global Warming, dammit. Zaffino, get on this please.

The Jr. VP thoroughly enjoys his dinners. Just eating the food in front of him is only half the fun; it’s the games he plays while doing it that really makes a meal for him. Hiding clumps of cheese behind the knee is a favorite, and throwing stuff at mommy and/or daddy also has some appeal. Last night though he came up with a new one: hands-free eating. He piles all the food into a mound on his tray, and then sinks his face into it, making monsterish munching noises as he digs in. Daddy laughs, mommy is appalled. I have no idea where he got such an idea, except maybe for the time last night when he saw the CEO do the same thing with his dinner. There is a reason that Kjel.org doesn’t dine out very often.

A headline today:

Teacher With ‘Superhuman Strength’ Arrested By Cops

I received a communique last night from Pooper*: the Little Poop has arrived and is in fine form; Mrs. Pooper is A-OK too. In classic Pooptarian fashion, the happy news was conveyed two and a half weeks after the fact. Some things never change.

*The Jr. VP has a foul enough mouth as it is. He does not need to see his daddy use a naughty word to refer to the Chief Academic. Readers can (and should) make any substitutions they deem warranted in the above text.

Certain golfers deserve their own par. For example, if I recall the young lady pictured above got a birdie on this hole. If par was seven strokes.

Guess where I will be enjoying my snifter of cognac this evening?

Further to the Jr. VP becoming a bully:

Here he is, frontin’

Each is special in their own way.

If you should happen to be visiting the HQ in the near future, be on your guard. Someone in Kjel.org is turning into a bully, and it’s not the CFO this time.

Jr. is still a biter, and the owner of a wicked head-butt, but he is also now happy just to run at you at full speed and see what happens. Sometimes he holds a pillow in front of his face to cushion the blow. Sometimes he holds a hammer in each hand, flailing away as he runs. If Jr. somehow gets you down and then gets a hold of your shirt, he won’t hesitate to yank it up and start blowing raspberries (if he’s in a good mood) or biting you (all other times) square on the belly until you manage to stop him. If there is music playing, there’s a fair to good chance that he will then get up and do a little victory dance after he’s done with you. And since he’s recently learned how to turn on the radio, if the boy wants to get down with a victory dance he doesn’t need you to get it started.

After his victory dance he might even head to the kitchen floor for a victory snack. He cleverly hides snacks down there several times a week, usually by throwing them into hiding places during normal meal times. As often as not, when Jr. wants something tasty to devour, he can find it down there. A celebratory cheerio that’s been under the dishwasher for three days apparently tastes better than a fresh one. Ah, the sweet taste of victory!

Kjel.org caught a Mariners game last Saturday. It was weird: if you haven’t been to a game in the last year or two you might hardly recognize the place.Two hours before the game (6:05 start) there were almost no people milling about outside of the stadium. Even a half hour before the game, the Pyramid Alehouse beer garden next door was almost empty. This is on a reasonably sunny late Saturday afternoon, mind you.

Inside Safeco was strange too. Quiet, no lines for food/beer, easy to navigate through the “crowds”, and comparatively deserted bathrooms even. Bloomquist could actually hear me I think when I told him that he sucked. We stayed until the last out of the 9th, but it took us only five minutes to get from our parking spot to I-5. Not normal. Even weirder is that the Mariners won and looked pretty sharp doing it.

The Chief Educator can correct me if I am wrong, but this sort of thing would go over just fine at a public school, right?

Teacher accused of playing strip poker during camping trip
COEUR D’ALENE, Idaho - A Lake City Junior Academy teacher has been suspended and could be fired after being accused of playing strip poker with several boys during a recent camping trip. Principal Twila Brown reported the incident that allegedly occurred during a camping trip trip late last month on Hayden Lake. Brown says teacher Andy Armstrong of Coeur d’Alene was immediately suspended from the private Christian school.

This person sounds like someone Kjel.org should have on staff: he both built a functional cruise missile in his garage, and he already sounds a bit like Dr. Evil:

“On the up-side, the missile has been completed (apart from some minor work that is relatively inconsequential) and, to ensure that the testing will proceed at sometime in the New Year, it is no longer in my possession — but it is in safe hands.”

If I can make only one suggestion to immediately and immensely improve your quality of life this year, it is this: take apart your shower head and give it a good cleaning. The CEO’s story:

For the past several months my showers (which by all rights should be the highlight of my day) have, in some vague, ill-defined manner, been less satisfying than they once were. In and of itself I barely noticed the degradation of my showering experience, but I think the dissatisfaction was starting to manifest in other areas of my life: trouble sleeping, grumpiness at home, couldn’t concentrate at work, seeing conspiracies of hippies everywhere, that sort of thing.

Then, last week, the CEO was struck with a flash of brilliance so blinding I almost fell out of my chair; I felt like Newton must have felt when that apple fell on him. I rushed home and took apart the HQ’s shower head, and removed some sand that was clogging it. My next shower was a revelation. I’d forgotten just how good it could be. Water flows out of my shower now at a rate suitable for hand-washing a brontosauraus, or perhaps cooling a runaway nuclear reactor. My next step is to install a 250 gallon hot water heater. Once that is done don’t bother calling the HQ on weekends between 9:30 and noon: that’s shower time.

“A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.” Emerson in Self-Reliance. I hate it when people try to justify their own idiocy by trotting out a famous quote, but hopefully Emerson is right here, since he provides me with a position to fall back on after this: I realized this morning that I don’t like it when the Jr. VP watches TV. He’s got years to enjoy TV, but perhaps a 1.5 year old shouldn’t yet become accustomed to it. I’m sorry TV, I still love you. It’s me, not you. It’s beyond my control.

The Chief Educator invited me to pay a visit to his school for “Career Day”, and chat with the kids about whatever it is that I do. Unfortunately, due to the late notice and the present precariousness of the Organization’s health, I had to pass. This is really too bad, because someday I’d like to stand up in front of the his class and amaze them with tales from the various jobs I’ve held, like the time in 1994 when the Yakuza tried twice to kill me (for those who don’t know that particular story, that was back when the CEO was running a smuggling operation out of the Port of Seattle. Good times.) Or perhaps I could talk to them about what it was like to play Chewbacca in the most recent Star Wars film. I did all my own stunts, you know. If the kids are being really good, maybe I’ll even discuss my short-lived career as an exotic dancer. The CEO has no reason now not to totally dish on the other bitchy dancers, so that could be entertaining too. It’s settled then: Career Day 2007, here I come!

Ah, swell. I now discover that the march will just about go past the front door of my office. That’s awesome. There is nothing I love more when I am trying to work than parades of hippies with their puppets and their drums and their incredibly inventive (and persuasive!) chants.

And to think I forgot to bring my air rifle to work today. Dammit dammit dammit! I really should get one to leave at the office.

The CEO can see how people make their way to www.kjel.org. Most come directly, but occasionally readers find it (or a distinct post within) by using a search engine. Today someone using Ask.com found this post when doing a search on “what does quid pro quo mean?”. I hope this person learned not to rely on Ask.com for answers in the future.

- PORTLAND, Ore. - Teresa Kaiser, the executive director of the Oregon Liquor Control Commission since 2003, has been charged with drunken driving and has resigned her post. Portland police confirmed today that Kaiser e-mailed her resignation to members of the OLCC board of directors today. Police spokesman Detective Paul Dolbey says she was stopped Saturday night near Portland’s Sellwood bridge. Sources tell KATU.com that Kaiser’s blood-alcohol level was .16, twice the legal limit.

.16 is a nice piece of drinking; no wonder she was the director. Probably for the better though that she didn’t make it to the Sellwood Bridge: driving over that thing scares the bejesus out of me sometimes, and that’s even without the nine gin and tonics first.