The institutional mouthpiece of Kjel.org

PARIS (Reuters) - The next time a criminal in a getaway car in France looks in the rear window the chances are that the vehicle in pursuit will be a blue French police Subaru. The Japanese car brand, part of Fuji Heavy Industries, has sped past French rivals to win a key contract for fast intervention cars for the highway police. “We have a contract to supply 63 cars to the Gendarmerie Nationale for patrols on the roads,” Subaru spokesman Gilles Varmoux said on Thursday. “There was a tender for four-door, four-wheel drive cars that could go faster than 240 km per hour (149 miles per hour) and had a reasonable price,” he added.

I know where they are coming from. The last time the CEO and CFO were in France, I could only get the rental car up to 115, 120 tops. It was just a Peugeot; obviously not a Subaru.

The next time Jr. seems like a handful I am going to think of these people:

SEATTLE - A Poulsbo woman has delivered quintuplets at Swedish Medical Center in Seattle. The four girls, a boy and their mother are reportedly all OK after a C-section operation. . . . Courtnee Stevenson had been resting in bed or the hospital for nearly four months after a fertility treatment. She and her husband Mike already have a 3-year-old daughter. The family currently lives in a mobile home.

If I am in husband Mike’s place I really start thinking pretty seriously about faking my own death. That is if the CFO didn’t do it first.

The CEO has nerdish tendencies that must be kept in check. Allow me to illustrate:

I got excited the other night because Tracy Barry, of KGW news here in town, was wearing a suit (a Chanel?) that looked as if it exactly matched the suit Marge wore in the country-club episode.

It doesn’t take much to get the CEO excited about certain nerdly things. Worrisome. And if that was an homage to Marge by Tracy, well, she’s got herself a new fan.

I cut myself shaving today, bad, directly under my nose. It was still bleeding when I got in the car; I drove down I-5 and through downtown holding a damned kleenex under my nose the whole trip. Tough to do in a stick shift.

The bleeding had about stopped by the time I got to the office, but I knew things probably weren’t pretty. I went into the bathroom to check out the damage: a patch of dried blood under my nose that looks remarkably like a Hitler mustache. Sweet. What’s most awesome though is that I still have it right now, an hour later. I’m afraid to wipe it off because it’ll start bleeding again, and I’m already a little woozy from all that blood loss. I’m keeping my office door closed today I think.

My favorite player name in all of baseball right now, and the man who homered against the Mariners yesterday in a spring training game? Mr. Angel Pagan of the Chicago Cubs.

PORTLAND, Ore. - The man who swiped a toddler from a stroller in downtown Portland on Sunday told a police detective that he planned to toss the 2-year-old girl in the front of a light-rail train, according to the arrest papers. Koon, a homeless man, told a Portland police detective that he “meant to harm the girl by throwing her in front of the train, and that he knew that it was wrong,” according to court documents. Koon did not know the child’s family, police said

Why do you think Jr. carries a switchblade when he is out on the town? This psycho wouldn’t have had a chance if he tried that kidnapping crap on the boy; Stinkboy would have cleaned him like a trout.

Jr. is talking a bit now. He says several words, like “Mommy” and “Daddy”. His first sentence though? “It ain’t nothing for me to cut you.” Not sure where he picked that up, but I may take a closer look at his daycare.

Why have 17 people (including my doctor, my doctor’s administrative assistant, my doctor’s supervisor, his supervisor, my mom, my mom’s sister, my mom’s daughter(s), my employer’s health insurance broker, the CFO, the CFO of my employer, and a far flung cousin I haven’t seen since 1997) sent me this link?

Some of you may recall a the last time I went clothes shopping. Hi-larious. Anyway, the CFO strongly suggested that we go to the mall yesterday to buy me some new clothes. Her insistence was prompted by an unfortunate view through a rather large hole in a pair of black shorts I was wearing. The view called up memories of the dearly departed Jim Spagg (RIP Jim), whose cable-access show the CFO once accidentally watched for 45 seconds; it scarred her for life. She was adament that those shorts be replaced, and fast.

The CEO hadn’t been to Washington Square in a long time. Every third or fourth store in there now seems to sell faux-skater gear to the kids. I got Jr a pair of Vans so he wouldn’t feel left out. There is only room for one poser in Kjel.org, and I’ve handed that title off to the boy. I bought some adult clothes, shoes and replacement shorts, and now have something to wear besides WSU sweats and old Def Leppard t-shirts. As for my old shorts, they’re well hidden from the CFO; I plan to save them for special occasions.

Vigilante justice is the best kind of justice:

PORTLAND, Ore. - Bystanders tackled a man who swiped a toddler from a stroller Sunday in downtown Portland, Portland police officials said. The toddler’s family was riding a MAX light-rail train while vacationing from Eastern Oregon. Randy Koon, 41, a transient, was arrested and taken to a hospital after complaining about a medical problem.
. . .
When the family exited the train in front of the downtown mall at about 3 p.m., Koon took the 2-year-old girl and ran less than 10 steps before he was tackled by three people, Kent said. The girl was not injured.

I wouldn’t be suprised if the “medical problem” Mr. Koon complained about had someting to do with the toddler’s parents repeatedly kicking him after their little girl had been rescued.

The CEO had the craziest dream this morning just before I woke up, and I immediately described it to the CFO. She thinks I should share:

In the dream, me, The Chief Photographer, and Bill Murray (though it might have actually been Dr. Peter Venkman — it was unclear) were driving around Spain in a red Chevy Suburban. We all were wearing powdered wigs and otherwise dressed as if we were living in the colonial period. We were doing random errands; for instance, I think we stopped at a Spanish convenience store and got slurpees.

Not much else happened that I can remember. Please don’t read too much into this.

Feeding the Jr. VP (anything remotely approaching a healthy diet, anyway) requires more strategery than you might think. He likes most everything, but he likes certain foods more than others. Luckily, he doesn’t remember that he likes certain foods more than whatever you’ve just put in front of him. As a responsible parent, you try to feed him one course at a time, starting with something he may not love but probably should eat, and finally ending with his favorite: cheese, in this boy’s case. So in practice, if you give him a banana, he’ll munch away happily. If you give him cheese and a banana, he’ll eat the cheese, throw the banana at you, and demand more cheese.

The CEO too prefers cheese as a dessert, but I had to go to France (twice!) to learn that preference. Mon Dieu, the lad is halfway to French already. I hope any attendant wussification is reversible. I don’t want to have to start calling him my little Surrender Monkey if this continues.

The Chief Educator and [his date*] have plans to leave today for sunny Mexico. Hopefully they are able to:

Spring Break Rush Could Break Travel Record
It’s the beginning of most Spring Breaks. That makes for a busy travel day any year, but this one could be the biggest ever. Based on the sold-out flights, Port of Portland officers predict that 55-thousand travelers air travelers for Friday. That would be a new record. So if you want to fly out of Portland today, you either already have a ticket — or you’re probably out of luck. Some flights are over-booked. Ticket agents urge travellers to arrive early, and to try checking in electronically, either from home via the Internet, or by using the electronic kiosks at the airport.

* Title redacted for national security purposes.

An open letter to the Jr. VP:

Dearest Stinkboy,

With regard to the incident in the bath last night, and the prospect of future similar incidents, there are a few things you should keep in mind. Daddy has a long memory, and an impressive ability to recall and avenge slights, both real and imagined. Remember this.

One day, hopefully, you will live on your own, in a dwelling that features indoor plumbing. A bathtub or shower will belong to you. As things currently stand, I owe you one occurance of payback. Let’s just keep it at one, shall we?

Best regards,

Daddy

Robert Abele is dead on in his review of last night’s South Park, and points out an element that many other reviewers have got wrong: Parker and Stone weren’t slamming Issac Hayes, they were slamming whatever Scientologist dirtbag attributed a statement to Hayes that he wouldn’t have made, and is now unable to correct.

Wednesday night Parker and Stone, using previous episodes to patch together Chef’s dialogue, showed that their beef was not with their friend, and took the fight to Hayes’ monolithic spiritual overseers by portraying them as a group of globetrotting pederasts called the Super Adventure Club who have turned the beloved Chef into an automaton whose rhythmic declarations of sweet, sweet lovemaking are now directed toward children instead of women. (The none-too-subtle idea is that Parker and Stone don’t believe those are Hayes’ words in the press release.)

What was so crazily heartbreaking was seeing the usual Parker-Stone taboo blasts — namely, a heaping dollop of crude jokes about sex with kiddies as a metaphor for religious zealotry and indoctrination — in the service of a story that was incredibly personal for the creators. Watching Cartman and the gang try to help Chef escape from the clutches of his captors was so weirdly touching it started to feel like a very real nightmare of lost friendship.

For the record, if the CFO ever goes down with any sort of malady, don’t believe a word of any press release supposedly issued on her behalf by Kjel.org.

By the same company who brought down the Kingdome:

Implosion will topple Trojan’s tower
If all goes as planned, one ton of explosives will rumble near the Columbia River in early daylight on May 21, slightly tilting, then folding, the Trojan Nuclear Plant’s landmark cooling tower into a pile of concrete and steel below.
. . .
Although the tower’s implosion won’t occur until late May, the upcoming event has drawn so much interest that utility officials held a media briefing at the tower site near the town of Rainier. The event gave journalists their last chance to walk through the massive concrete and steel structure, which was shut down in 1993

Among the details:

When: Scheduled for Sunday, May 21. The specific time has yet to be set. But it will be early morning, sometime “after first light,” according to PGE officials. Thunderstorms or dense fog could cause delays.

Where: The tower rises from the Trojan Nuclear Plant site near Rainier about 40 miles northwest of Portland.

Best viewing: On your television. Spectators are discouraged from watching the real thing. Sections of U.S. 30 and the Columbia River, which run along either side of the site, will be blocked off and closed during the brief period the implosion occurs. Traffic along portions of Interstate 5 in Washington also may be temporarily halted.

What happens: An estimated 2,000 pounds of explosives will be embedded in 2,500 holes drilled into the support legs at the base of the tower and in sections of the shell as high as 250 feet. The implosion, from the first detonation to the settling of the tower, is expected to take about 8 seconds. The tower will fall into itself, and debris will be contained primarily within the structure’s imprint. The explosives’ placement is designed to give a slight tilt to the fall so that the debris will spread out slightly — perhaps 100 feet.

If I was the producer of 24 I’d find a way to work the resulting footage into an episode. Something like: terrorists take over a nuclear plant. Jack only has one option . . .

I knew it. Chef wouldn’t willingly abandon the South Park boys; his exit from the show is actually a plot by the L. Ron Hubbard clones. Fox’s lawyers won’t let Roger Friedman say it, but that’s obviously what it is:

Isaac Hayes did not quit “South Park.” My sources say that someone quit it for him. I can tell you that Hayes is in no position to have quit anything. Contrary to news reports, the great writer, singer and musician suffered a stroke on Jan. 17. At the time it was said that he was hospitalized and suffering from exhaustion. It’s also absolutely ridiculous to think that Hayes, who loved playing Chef on “South Park,” would suddenly turn against the show because they were poking fun at Scientology.
. . .
Friends in Memphis tell me that Hayes did not issue any statements on his own about South Park. They are mystified.“Isaac’s been concentrating on his recuperation for the last two and a half, three months,” a close friend told me. Hayes did not suffer paralysis, but the mild stroke may have affected his speech and his memory. He’s been having home therapy since it happened. That certainly begs the question of who issued the statement that Hayes was quitting “South Park” now because it mocked Scientology four months ago. If it wasn’t Hayes, then who would have done such a thing?

Please don’t sue me.

Two news stories today, one happy and one considerably less so, but both of which remind us that we must be ever vigilant against the evil Mother Nature.

I’m sure upon hearing about this family being lost I’m not the only person who thought that this June some unlucky Forest Service guy was going to find an RV off in a ditch somewhere with six corpses inside. Nope:

Members of missing Ashland family found alive, authorities say
MEDFORD — Six family members missing in a recreational vehicle since March 4 were found alive today in a remote, snowy section of Southern Oregon, authorities said. Bureau of Land Management workers first found two of the family members, who had decided to walk out of the woods and left the vehicle, sheriff’s deputies said. Later, search and rescue workers in a helicopter made contact with the other four, said Sgt. David Marshall, spokesman for the Douglas County sheriff’s department.
. . .
A snow machine was headed into the area to pick up the four, Marshall said. A press release from the Douglas County sheriff’s office said the area “is not accessible by vehicle. There is a heavy snowpack.” The family of Pete Stivers, 29 and Marlo Hill-Stivers, 31, disappeared while traveling in a 35-foot recreational vehicle from Ashland on March 4 across the mountains to the Oregon coast.

In your face, Nature! A nice victory for the humans, that one. However, today we also learn of a horrific defeat:

Top UW doctor killed by crocodile in Africa
Dr. Richard K. Root, a gifted clinical teacher at the University of Washington Medical School and former chief of medicine at Harborview Medical Center, moved to Botswana earlier this month to help alleviate Africa’s desperate shortage of doctors and nurses. On Sunday, while on a wildlife tour of the Limpopo River with his new wife, Rita O’Boyle, Root was killed when a crocodile pulled him from a dugout canoe. He was 68.
. . .
The couple were visiting a clinic in a remote, northeastern district of Botswana known as Tuli over the weekend and decided to take a river tour. The guides are wary of hippos, Gluckman said, but there had been no reports of crocodile attacks in the area. Root was in the lead dugout with the tour guide when a crocodile leaped out of the river, grabbed the UW physician and disappeared back under the water. Root was not seen again.

Circle of Life my ass. You are a heartless bitch, Mother Nature, and we’ll get you yet.

What a random way to go out. By age 68 any thoughtful person has considered their own mortality, and I’m sure the good doctor was no different. But I really, really doubt the thought had crossed his mind that his end might come like this. In his place, my last thought would be “Are you f’ing kidding me? (I’m pretty sure I would use the actual R-rated language though) This is how I am going to check out? Getting eaten by a goddamn crocodile on the f’ing Limpopo River in f’ing Botswana of all places? Shit. Touche, Mother Nature. Touche.”

The CEO was once lucky enough to live in a house where the neighbor down the street had a pet tiger, had it as a pet until The Man made him get rid of it anyway. I think all of us who lived in that house can count ourselves fortunate that something like this never happened. Especially when walking back from the Barn.

Tiger Bites Worker at Putnam County Fair
Deputies say Jason Hardin was so drunk early Sunday morning, they threatened to arrest him if he didn’t go to bed. According to officers, Hardin agreed to head back to his trailer and walked off. But instead of going to bed, deputies say Hardin climbed over a four-foot-high security fence, walked through a grassy area, and stuck his hand into the locked cage of a four-year-old tiger. Hardin is not one of the people approved to work with the animals. He was treated for bite wounds to his forearm and hand and later released from Shands Gainesville.

The Jr. VP had the distinct displeasure of watching his mom hold his little cousin this weekend. He was not at all happy about it. “Dearest Mummy, please tell me, who is this terrible little baby and why must you insist on holding her when I, your darling boy, am right here?” is what he tried to say. It came out though mostly as screaming, with a little biting thrown in for good measure.

Below is the “terrible” little girl of which Jr. tried to speak.

Kjel.org went up to Bellevue on Friday to see some of the Organization’s elders. The CEO’s siblings were also in town, so that was nice. Jr. realized where he was and yet again cranked up the charm. Damn but that boy is smooth. I bet grandma gets him an enormous Christmas present this year.

Most people in Bellevue were suprised to notice that Jr. and I both had no new stitches or casts, nor did we seem markedly malnourished, seeing as how we’d been left effectively unsupervised for almost a week. He and I both received hearty congratulations all around for surviving our days sans CFO. It was touch and go, but with determination, grit, beer, and cheese we made it through. I am planning a small parade in our honor.

The CFO is back safe and sound. It’s a good thing too, as I’m not sure how far away me and the boy were from this:

Dirty Laundry Spontaneously Combusts In Apartment
SALEM, Ore. — Firefighters say dirty laundry spontaneously combusted, starting a fire at a Salem apartment. Emergency crews were called about 5 a.m. Wednesday to 1122 Hines St. S.E. They found smoke coming from the front door and a laundry basket of clothes on fire in the front bedroom. The fire was extinguished before it caused major damage. Investigators say vegetable oil residue on clothes bundled in the basket caught fire.

More on the crazy noises I (and, fortunately for me, several other people) heard on Saturday. I blame the CIA.

PORTLAND, Ore. - The source of those mysterious rumblings over the weekend that caught the attention of so many continues to be a mystery, although there is a focus on a potential answer.

The focus is on F-15s at the Portland Air Base, which KATU News was originally told were on the ground, but we later learned were not. It turns out a group of F-15s were launched from the Portland International Airport Saturday night as part of three days of intensive training. Within an hour of their departure, people started hearing things and feeling some rumblings. That is when the 911 calls began. Even the commander of the F-15 squadron heard the strange noise from his home in Lake Oswego.

The logical explanation seemed to be that the fighter jets set off a sonic boom, but the Air National Guard says it does not make sense that so many people, from Longview to the Oregon coast, would hear the same sonic booms at the same time. A much smaller range of 10 to 20 miles is more likely.

With so many wondering what happened, the Air National Guard is continuing its investigation. That leaves others to speculate about meteors and to do comparisons with a similar unexplained phenomenon in Florida last year and in Maine just last month.

Others speculate it is a secret government plane, code-named Aurora, which supposedly flies out of Area 51 in Nevada. For years, unusually intense sonic booms rocked Los Angeles, with many believing it was Aurora passing by at four times the speed of sound.

The Chief Educator performed a welfare check at the HQ last night. The Kjel.org males were alive and well, and eating ham and cheese. I think his fears were allayed.

It looks like a tornado has swept through my front room. Then a herd of elephants. And someone may have dropped in a few hand grenades (and not the good kind of hand grenades, either. ) The CEO has some work to do before the CFO gets back. Probably ought to wash the food out of a certain boy’s hair before then too.

Every now and then it’s nice to get confirmation that you are not insane.

In this case, anyway . . .

Everything I’ve eaten these last few days has involved a crisping sleeve. Beware food that doesn’t.

The CFO is at a conference and has left me and the boy to our own devices.

Scary to know that the Gateway Grizzlies of all people have the ability to monitor my dreams and then turn them into reality.

March 8, 2006 - The Gateway Grizzlies are proud to announce that they will be adding a new concession item to GMC Stadium for the 2006 season. The Grizzlies and Krispy Kreme Doughnuts have teamed up to create “Baseball’s Best Burger.” The burger, which was introduced at Gateway’s December 10th sale, consists of a thick and juicy burger topped with sharp cheddar cheese and two slices of bacon. The burger is then placed in between each side of a Krispy Kreme Original Glazed doughnut.

When I go fishing I like to sometimes drink beer. Not too much though, because being impared while on the water can be dangerous, be it ocean or river. A lesson these guys maybe never learned:

Report: Crab Boat Crew Was Using Meth, Pot
TILLAMOOK, Ore. - The three men who died when a crabbing boat capsized near the mouth of Tillamook Bay last month had methamphetamine in their bodies. According to the state medical examiner’s office, the captain of the boat, 32-year-old Craig Larsen, of Hammond, had toxic levels of the drug in his system. Larsen’s crew members, 30-year-old Jeff King and 30-year-old Trona Griffin, both of Garibaldi, had lesser amounts of the drug in their systems.

Nice work, Mathew, you’re off the hook until next year.

I am feeding the Jr. VP right now. He is sitting in his highchair, munching away. He is also holding a calculator that he found somewhere. I try to take the calculator and he throws a royal tantrum, but he is happy so long as he can eat with one hand and punch some buttons with the other. Whatever. At least he’s not crying, and he’s inhaling a copious amount of ham — a good combo.

Of course as I type this I’m standing here next to him eating dinner with one hand: no similarities whatsoever.

If a somewhat rough game played by an adult and a toddler resulted in the adult accidentally biting the toddler’s finger, would you stop playing it? What if the boy really really liked the game, and kept wanting to play even after being bit? What if he’d been bitten once already a few days ago while playing the same game? What if he cried only for a second and then laughed it off because he knew it was part of the game? What if there was a small mark on the boy’s index finger, and just a very small amount of blood? What if a lad’s pinky was partially severed but the adult sewed it back on and the participants then mutually agreed it would be in our their best interests to hide the event from mommy? Would you stop then?

The CEO would answer No, but that’s just me.

The lad looks confused around a golf ball. Just like his old man.

On the plus side, I am 42% good, so I got that going for me.

You Are 58% Evil

You are evil, but you haven’t yet mastered the dark side. Fear not though - you are on your way to world domination.

Boy gets flower:

Boy destroys flower:

I’ve never had a problem sharing meals with the Jr. VP, since aside from maple syrup and Cheetos his tastes and mine have never seriously overlapped. Now though he’s at an age where he wants to eat what daddy eats, and that’s starting to be, well, problematic. When a boy wants carrots, bananas and/or graham crackers, if we have them then that’s what a boy gets. When the same boy wants the HQ’s last piece of ham and last slice of swiss, he’s got another thing coming.

Jr. has only started liking cheese and meat pretty recently, but we (by we I mean the CFO) have been buying it for him for a month or two now. The CFO may not have realized that Monster Boy hasn’t actually himself been eating all the cheese, ham and turkey that Kjel.org has gone through these last eight weeks. The CFO may be suprised by the uptick in deli meat consumption at the HQ now that Jr. is carrying his weight on the lunchmeat front.

Stinkboy and I have been listening to a lot of Def Leppard lately. Like Daddy, he’s a Pyromania man. Not that there is anything wrong with the other albums, but Pyromania is simply untouchable. Jr agrees.

Our foray into Leppard the other night reminded me of one of my 2005 highlights, and certainly the year’s best Wednesday night:

The Chief Educator and I heard Bryan Adams from an outside table at the Kingston, across the street. We figured that was close enough. Thankfully he went on first. It was a hoary late afternoon, but our fires were kept lit. We somehow found our way into PGE just before he was done.

Leppard came on at about 7:30 or so, and played for a couple of hours. It was undescribably, unbelievably awesome. Damn I love those guys. I’m still a little bit pissed at not winning the huge Powerball last week, but when I do finally win I plan to hire Def Leppard to play a show at the Old Barn. Open bar and free nachos for anyone who can make it. You’re all invited.

The CEO needs to try out this whole “be nice to people” thing. The CFO showed me over the weekend how it can sometimes pay off. Case in point:

On the plane Thursday the CFO gets up and heads toward the bathroom. It’s a small plane, with propellers and 2x2 seating, and just one tiny (as in less cubic feet than my TV) bathroom. As she gets there, a stewardess asks if the CFO wouldn’t mind waiting for el Capitan to relieve himself first. Instead of telling Stubing and his minion to stick it and wait their turn, the CFO, as is her way, smiles and says OK.

The pilot does his business and leaves, but the CFO is still chatting with the attendants, as if they were her friends or something. She thanked them for their earlier help with Stinkboy and then, and only then heads in to the shoebox sized bathroom to do her thing.

The payoff? As we get off the flight the stewardess gives us a nice bottle of wine that wasn’t opened during the flight, (apparently no one wanted a glass of wine at 8:15 AM) just because the CFO “was so nice”.

So Kjel.org got a free gift, all because the CFO was nice to a person that had to ask her to wait; unwarranted, unapologetic friendliness on her part was rewarded. The CEO may have to try it sometime, especially if gifts are involved.

Palm Desert wasn’t bad at all; 84 degrees and sunny the whole time. Kjel.org hung out with the parents, laid by their pool, and even played a little golf and tennis. I am not good at either.

The CEO will occasionally win at tennis, but never by outplaying my opponent. I have nothing that approaches a decent tennis swing, or any sort of understanding of the game itself, but I do have at my disposal 23 different trick shots. With them I’ll often irritate a good player to the point that they chuck their racquet and challenge me to a duel. I count that as a win.

I have no such secret weapon when I golf. The CEO is atrocious and there’s no way to hide it. I was especially bad on the first few holes we played: after every swing I felt like punching something. Or someone. Thankfully I had my own cart so I could only punch myself. And, luckily I was borrowing clubs from a friend of the CEO’s dad. If they were mine I might have broken one over my knee after each of my many, many shanks, and there aren’t that many clubs in a bag to begin with.

Below is a pic of the CEO and his dad, as viewed by the Feds who were surveiling us the whole time. Not sure yet if it is him or me they’re after.