If I ever need a liver transplant, I plan to steal the organ from one of this guy’s kids. Obviously a genetically superior individual:

According to the criminal complaints, Zahn was stopped at 11:07 a.m. on Aug. 20, 2005, on Highway A/I, four-tenths of a mile south of Short Road, after Dodge County deputies had received reports of an erratic driver. After the deputy stopped Zahn, whose vehicle matched the description, he told the deputy he was on his way to his residence on Highway CP. According to the complaint, Zahn was confused about where he was and insisted he was on Highway KP.

No field sobriety tests were performed, and according to the complaint, Zahn told the deputy, “I’m drunk, why do them?” When the deputy searched Zahn’s vehicle, he found a pig in the backseat, an empty fifth of vodka, an unopened 12-pack of beer and an insulated cup. A blood test showed Zahn had a blood alcohol concentration of .299.

Mr. Zahn, keep at least one of your kids off the sauce. With that sort of heroic liver (isn’t .299 fatal for most people? I know I went into a coma for two weeks when I hit 2.7 back in ‘95) running in your family, I may need to track down the dry one some day. We will have a nice dinner out somewhere, and then he or she will wakeup in a bathtub full of ice with new stitches on their midsection . . . Hopefully they wake up. Without a liver that might not happen.

With that new liver I would be unfrackin-touchable at beer pong. “Hoop me again, I dare you! It has no effect, mortal! Ahahahahaaaa!!!”