The institutional mouthpiece of Kjel.org

La ropa del VP suave:

It’s been Ford Truck Month for a great goddamn long time now. No one can dispute that I love TV with an unbridled passion, yet I also hate country music with at least a medium-warm fury.* Stupid Ford Truck ‘Month’ has been causing the latter to intrude on the former for a year now, minimum. Truck “Month” my ass.

And don’t get me started on the phrase “got a HEMI”. I’d rather not be asked to expand on my theory of dual-rear-wheel pickups (a “Duly”) and the self-perceived size of the, er, ego, of the little men who drive them . . .

*Johnny Cash is not country.

These guys should have come to me for advice: Bear law happens to be a specialty of mine. I’m good with monkey, ape and Sasquatch law too.

COOS BAY, Ore. — For nine days, Rocky and Jonathan Perkett heard a lone black-bear cub wail from its hiding spot in a Coos County logging site.

They could drop a tree on it or rescue it. They chose the latter, and for two years the bear was like family. But when the authorities got wind of it, there was trouble a-bruin.

The father and son named her Windfall and raised her for two years. The men shared pizza and Dr Pepper with the bear and gave her free reign of their home in the woods outside Coos Bay. The bear slept in Jonathan Perkett’s bed, took showers and even had her hair blow-dried, Rocky Perkett says.
…
“Is there a law against a bear running around in your yard?” Perkett says. “Doesn’t she have rights as a bear?” The Perketts plan to hire an attorney and hope a glitch in the Oregon State Police’s search warrant will get the case tossed out, and in the best of cases get Windfall returned to them.

“The law says you can’t hold wild animals in any way,” says Wildlife Administrator Ron Anglin of the Oregon Department of Fish and Wildlife (ODFW).

The Perketts maintain Windfall never was “held” or locked in a cage. They simply opened their house to her, Rocky Perkett says. She could come and go at will, he says. She learned to work the doorknobs, he said. “Everything they done here was unlegal,” Rocky Perkett says. “Since it’s all unlegal, I hope they will bring her back.”

Best of luck, Rocky. I hope you get her back too.

Well, I got it half right. One of the offenses showed up and put on a heck of a show. The other team, not so much. To quote coach Bill Doba in the Times,

“We got our butt kicked, period,” said WSU coach Bill Doba, who called the Trojans the best offensive team he has seen in his 30 years of college coaching.

Cougs didn’t even cover the 30 point spread. Good thing my bookie wasn’t returning my calls this week.

Me and Jr., on a sunny Spring morn. Early, early morn, most likely.

When this crew is coming at you, a word to the wise: Step aside, my friend. Step aside.

Remember, you read it here first: I’m calling the upset. 54-51 Cougs.

Last night: hotdogs. Great ones, thick and meaty, all beef, bought at the Fred Meyer deli. Man they were good. As if you couldn’t guess, the CEO was sans CFO for dinner last night. Else of course there would have been a fruit or green salad accompanyment, or some such similar nonsense.

Couldn’t find any Cheddar Wranglers at Fred Meyer, which was what I really wanted. Didn’t matter; the couple of dogs I did inhale last night were excellent. In addition to the cheddar, brown mustard and good relish that accompanied the dogs, there was some beer. Mmmmm beer . . .

Pyramid Snow Cap Ale. This one has been a favorite since way back: in an article published in 1996 I said good things about this one, and it still holds true today. I think that Ebenezer might be better this year, but Snow Cap is pretty good. I’d buy it again.

I’m five sixths of the way through the pack, and I think I hear the last bottle keening for her lost relatives. Chin up, brave little beer, you’ll be joining them very soon.

As I type this, Jr. VP is trying to stick his tongue into an electrical socket. It’s gonna be difficult, what with the child-proofing-dealey on the outlet and all. He’s a smart boy though; I bet he figures out something.

Jr. VP would look quite good in this outfit, whether it be Halloween or any other holiday:

Picture ripped off from Lileks today.

Well of course they were going to have problems with Bud Pong. Beer pong in the east is a barbaric game, what with the multiple cups and the throwing of the balls and so forth. Beirut? Battleship? Please sir. Perhaps I am not suited to comment since I’ve never lowered myself to play the Game in that fashion. Nor will I ever.

West coast beer pong however, specifically Walla Walla rules, is a gentleman’s pursuit. I believe that Winter Rules will be declared any day now, and at that point I shall sally forth to the table and engage the Chief Educator in the Noble Game. Afterward we shall retire to the den, perchance for a game of darts, or the viewing of football.

A none-too-flattering picture of the CEO in Florida is available here. I’m not going to show it; you can read the whole frackin article if you are that interested. I was brilliant by the way, as if that was ever in doubt. Just not too photogenic.

Luckily it’s not a picture of me at the event Wednesday night. I seem to remember pictures being taken. At least there were periodic flashes, and some screaming I’m pretty sure. . .

Oh please oh please oh please let this be real:

Mr. T ready to act in ‘Rocky VI’
London | October 16, 2005 12:15:06 PM IST

Mr. T, the former star of TV show “A-Team”, says he is ready to act in “Rocky VI” after he last acted in “Rocky III” 23 years ago. According to contactmusic.com, Mr. T says he is eager to return to the franchise even though he is fighting lymphoma cancer.

He says: “I’m up for anything. We start filming next year. I’ve been training a bit so I’ll be in shape. I still go to the hospital to keep (my cancer) under control. There’s no cure but I’m doing well. When I got cancer I found out who my real friends were. Hollywood turned its back on me but Sylvester (Stallone) remained a great buddy.”

Godspeed, Mr. T.

Looks nice in the pictures, huh?

I had a room like that. What the picture doesn’t convey is that when you slide open that door, even at midnight, it is 112 degrees outside with 490% humidity. Eventually I managed to find my happy spot: balcony door open, room AC set to 51 F (11 C), chair set outside one foot past the threshold. Perfect. I knew of the heat, but wasn’t required to really know it.

Who runs Bartertown? Jr VP and CEO run Bartertown!

I am not really a hunter myself, but I don’t begrudge anyone else their hunting. Actually, one of these Falls I’d like to go on an upland gamebird hunt: walking across high fields with a friend or two, a gun and a dog, taking damn near impossible snap shots at flushing pheasant or quail — that looks to me like it could be fun.

So I am not sure why this so firmly rubs me the wrong way.

OAKLAND, Md. - An 8-year-old girl killed the first black bear of Maryland’s 2005 hunting season, downing the 211-pound adult male with two shots from a .243-caliber rifle about an hour after dawn Monday, the Department of Natural Resources said.

Might be the age of the shooter, or that she was using too small of a gun to ethically hunt bear, or that the whole thing just smells like a publicity stunt of some sort. I have a feeling that I wouldn’t like this girl’s parents. No evidence to back this up, just a feeling. A strong feeling.

Sitting in the Ft. Lauderdale airport. I am at the gate, but every 45 seconds I hear an announcement instructing me to refrain from parking my vehicle in the loading zone, and that I may be fined for doing so. Thanks, I almost forgot the rental car I left at the curb two hours ago . . .

Starting to rain really hard. Getting out of here at about the right time I think.

Tonight I realized that in my day-to-day life I am not schmoozed anywhere near as much as I should be. Especially when said schmoozing involves gin and cheese and chorizo, plus dancers, exotic. CEO went 4 for 4 this evening.

Everything is fine here; there’s probably nothing at all to worry about.

Theme of the day: sit it car, sit in airport, sit in plane, sit in airport, sit in plane, sit in cab. Now sit in chair in hotel room. Far too much Assal Horizontology today — tomorrow I need to get out and do something. Something not involving corrupt law enforcement officials or Cuban gangsters.

Should I be worried about this? No way. I’m out of south Florida by Friday night. Hurricanes never speed up or otherwise change directions in ways that can’t be predicted, right?

The CEO heads to the beaches of Florida tomorrow. This time I’ll be solo; last time I was with the CFO, Jr VP, and several auxiliary members of Kjel.org. Not a bad day at all.

This was just frosting on the cake.

Headed to Florida on business tomorrow. Even though I will have to actually work, and perhaps dodge a hurricane, at least I’m staying somewhere nice. It’s not quite the Fontainebleau , but hopefully I’ll still be able to find someone to play cards with.

I’m not sure why, but it really bothers me that the Kentucky Fried Chicken TV ads use “Sweet Home Alabama” as the background music. Not like I have any great affinity for Alabama or Kentucky or anything . . .

I took another step forward yesterday in my quest to taste and rank the entirety of this year’s batch of winter beers. To go with my Hungry Man Salisbury Steak last night, I downed a few pints of Bridgeport’s Ebenezer Ale.

No beer reviewer twaddle here (”the Cascade hop profile was quite lively yet somehow restrained. . .”); I’ll just say it was good, and a damn sight better than the Winterhook. In my 2005 winter beer free-for-all, Ebenezer looks to be swinging a mean set of nunchuks. There is some tough competition ahead for ol’ Eb but he is looking pretty strong right now.

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A little something in honor of the Pullman office. Get well soon.

What would make anyone think that she’d recently taken up meth?

Well. Thank Jeebus that the Jr. VP is at least three or four weeks from reading. Else he might

“Ask your daddy why he’s hooked on killing!”

Or perhaps read that

“Until your daddy learns that it is not fun to kill, keep your doggies and kitties away from him. He’s so hooked on killing defenseless animals that they could be next!”

PETA has me nailed. I mean, look at the picture — it could easily be me, right down to the wearing of my lucky red fishing tie. I usually bring a gun in addition to the big knife, but really, why quibble over the details? I was even thinking of killing some cats on my way home from work tonight. Yeah, the perceptive folks at PETA have really shined a bright light on my addiction to killing. I really owe them one. Maybe I should write them a thank you note.

The only part not at all realistic is the fish. Shit, I wish I could catch fish like that.

PETA has never been my favorite organization, but this takes it to a new level. I invite any tofu muching PETA assclown reading this to take their anti-fishing message and cram it with walnuts, ugly. Attention, hippies: PETA is now on my Enemies List, and once the CEO has you on his Enemies List, bad things just seem to come your way. Repeatedly.

There is one PETA I do support however.

KOIN.com informs us that a movie will soon begin filming in Marion and Clackamas counties:

SALEM, Ore. — For the next five weeks, Marion and Clackamas counties will be hosting the filming of a new Hallmark Hall of Fame TV movie. . . .

The movie is based on a Terry Kay novel about a returning World War II veteran struggling to fit into a changed postwar world in rural North Carolina.

Marion and Clackamas counties must be very proud. It’s not every locale that can easily be made to look like postwar rural North Carolina.

Kjel.org dined last night on teri ribs from Bamboo Grove, one of the CEO’s favorites. Yet Bamboo Grove does not deliver, no organization member left the comforts of the HQ to pick up food, nor, for that matter, were any members even wearing pants when the food was procured. How did we do it you may well ask? Through the modern miracle that is Delivered Dish.

Several dozen Portland restarants are partnered with Delivered Dish, including a few of my favorites. Menu items are priced as they would be normally, and then a quite reasonable $5.50 delivery fee is added. Ordering is easy and done online, and the food tends to arrive at the HQ about 45 minutes after placing the order.

If anything it is too easy: Kjel.org is forced to exercise discipline (something in short supply around the HQ at times) in order to avoid placing five or six Delivered Dish orders every week.

The four people (counting me and the CFO) who have ever looked this blog know all about it already. Will national media pick it up? Seems like there might be a compelling national security or public safety issue in there somewhere. Lucky for us, CBS is “looking into the story.”

Could be very ugly in the Palouse this weekend.

Saturday’s 3:30 pm game, which many pre-season pundits marked as one of the most crucial in the Pac-10 season, now has the luster of eggshell paint — not totally flat, but far from glossy. Instead of a clash of titans, we have one titan and one also-ran hoping to keep whisper-thin bowl hopes alive.

Nonetheless, oddsmakers — knowing that UCLA struggles mightily on the Palouse — have only installed the Bruins as 6 ½-point favorites.

I hate to say it, but UCLA plus only 6.5 points this weekend is a complete gimme, and is unfortunately the Kjel.org CEO Lock of the Week.

Jr. VP passed out on a chair in the woods.

If only he would sleep like that for more than 5 hours at a stretch.

Am I the only person who can see through the crypto-fascist propaganda spewing forth from Regence Blue Cross/Blue Shield? The TV ads run constantly, driving home the message “We can only change the world if we take charge” over and over again, showing the “good” things that happen when Regence “takes charge.” I don’t think I am exagerating when I say that these ads do no less than advocate a wholesale takeover of society by a totalitarian collectivist Regence Blue Cross/Blue Shield. Could their agenda be more obvious? Wake up people!

Regence apologists will claim that the speaker is referring to the listener taking charge. This is a typical head-in-the-sand response of someone who does not want to confront the real enemy. Remember, evil can only triumph when good people do nothing to stop it. “We can only change the world if we take charge.” Not on my watch, commie. Maybe after I run out of ammo, but not before.

The Demon may take human form.

Run, little boy! Run away fast!!

Unicef must have finally received my letter.

Update here on the ongoing investigation of Jihad Joe.

Another oddity about the coverage of this event: almost nowhere do they show a recent picture of Joe. Wonder why that would be? This is from an online article out of Nebraska.

Today was just a great day. In fact, this whole weekend (aside from the football) was nice. Sometimes I need to make it to a quiet Sunday midnight before I can recognize how nice the day that was actually was. I can be an idiot that way.

On Sunday I got up at the ass-crack of dawn and had an informal meeting with the Jr. VP. It was a bit early for me, but he was quite insistent. We listened to Styx. CFO didn’t join for a while, which was part of the point. Watched DVD’s on the couch for an hour or two, and then I made everyone breakfast. Did a bit of work, gave someone a bath, took a shower, did some work around the HQ (CFO picked me up a new hole saw while she was out shopping — that’s pretty awesome), and then did some work outside and in the garage with the Jr. VP so that the CFO could fulfill her chefly duties.

This evening saw the Chief Educator and [his date]*, and two NoPo newlyweds (they didn’t rob the HQ, don’t worry) visit the org. We ate lots of pasta and pancetta, and plenty of Pinot. A good time was had by all, or at least they faked it well if they didn’t.

A side note: I’d like to take a moment to publicly recognize the stellar work being done in our Pullman office. The Pullman rep for Kjel.org has really come through lately, and she has a bright future in Kjel.org. On a completely unrelated note, I’d like to wish a particular Kjel.org Founder a very happy birthday today. You only turn 52 once.

Anyway, a great day all around for Kjel.org.

* Kjel.org official title redacted for nat’l security purposes.

The fine people at USS Mariner have the latest on Scott Spiezio. It’s not good.

Finally, someone I can vote for without reservation.

The Jr. VP will occasionally get a crazy look in his eye and then try to bite my face. Now that he’s got a few teeth he actually succeeds once in a while. Am I worried? Nah. I mean, what’s the worst that could happen?

I was in the local Theftway yesterday picking up my usual (beer and pot pies) when I discovered that the winter beer season is now upon us. So many to choose from. I will get to them all soon, but yesterday Red Hook Winterhook was my choice. In past years it has been a favorite, but the 2005 version is really pretty blah. It’s not like I spit it out or anything, but I doubt I’ll buy it again this year.

How I wish Saxer was still around, and still making their winter beer, Jack Frost. Jack Frost is the reason I don’t remember the winter of 1998/99.

It seems very weird to me that the national media is not talking about Jihad Joe , the subhuman who prematurely detonated himself outside of the Oklahoma football stadium last weekend. All the details seem to point to a failed (”failed” in that Joe only managed to off himself, and didn’t take a bunch of infidels with him) suicide bombing attempt by a jihadi, but no one wants to say it. I’m glad I’m not going to any football games this weekend.

If you squint a bit I think you can actually make out the beer pong table in this picture.

Ladies and Gentlemen, the comment feature on this blog finally has been activated. Please note that I’ll turn it off if anyone make statements contrary to the best interests of Kjel.org, or I’ll just put new words in your mouth, words that you won’t like. I can do that you know.

AP - Boston. Red Sox center fielder Johnny Damon throws batting practice before last night’s game as Yankee Alex Rodriguez looks on.

I leave for a decade and apparently Seattle goes all to hell. The city fathers up there should know that if they are going to continually promote policies hostile to the interests of the organization, or at least the CEO, Kjel.org will respond in kind.

For starters, don’t expect us to locate any additional satellite offices in the Seattle area. In fact, if Seattle continues to move in this direction, the organization is likely to suspend all Seattle operations and relocate our organizational infrastructure to a more refined community, like Portland. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.

Kjel.org visited Fort Clatsop last summer and had an enjoyable outing. A certain high ranking official at Kjel.org is a sucker for this type of thing; we might even have gone out there again sometime.

Some bad news then in today’s PI:

Historic fort burns to ground; cause unknown

Fort Clatsop, a popular tourist attraction and replica of where the Lewis and Clark expedition spent the soggy winter of 1805-1806 after reaching the Pacific, has been destroyed by fire, park superintendent Chip Jenkins said Tuesday.

Volunteer firefighters worked for hours Monday night to try to save the fort at the Lewis and Clark National Historic Park, Jenkins said, but “half of the fort was burned up, and the other half is essentially a loss.”

The site is being treated as a crime scene, Jenkins said, and investigators said Tuesday afternoon that they were looking for a truck seen leaving the area when firefighters arrived on scene. The vehicle is a dark-colored, newer Chevrolet truck, with the letters Z-7-1 on the rear fender, National Parks officials said.

Jr. VP went to the doctor today for a regular check-up. The M.D. confirmed what, in my heart, I had already known: Jr. suffers the same malady as the CEO. He has what doctors call “Sasquatch Foot”. Note below the subtle difference in the normal foot (left), and my foot (right). There is no known cure.

He’s doomed to a life of never finding dress shoes or ski boots that fit, and ruining many pairs of socks. Already, at the tender age of 9 months, it’s tough to find shoes that fit him.

Jr. VP, I’m so very sorry. You can head butt me tonight all you want and I won’t complain.

“To Coug It” [French couguar, alteration (influenced by jaguar, jaguar), of Portuguese çuçuarana from Tupi suasuarana : suasú, deer + rana, like (from its color).]

v : Snatching defeat from the jaws of victory.